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My favorite Chuck Norrisims courtesy of The Snow Lobster:

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris does not have hair on his testicles as hair cannot grow on steel.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris completely destroyed the periodic table of elements because the only element he was interested in was the “element of surprise”

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed 5 men. With 4 bullets.

Michael Jackson is only white now because Chuck Norris round-house kicked the black out of him.

As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

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