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I was inspired to write a Brit’s Guide To the NFL after chatting with an English friend of mine on Facebook about the impending arrival of our game on their shores. And no - preseason and NFL Europa doesn’t count. However, I’m not the only one attempting this feat. The guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have written their own snarky guide - taking a different tack - here are some excerpts:

What You’ll Think Is Ace About The NFL:
-The Manning family. They’re just like the Royal Family, only somehow more inbred
-Gives Americans something to occupy themselves, delaying them from doing horrible things like invading sovereign nations and producing American remake of “Coupling”
-Fun to notice differences between Stuart Scott’s lazy eye and Thom Yorke’s lazy eye
-Stern NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would be quite adept at quelling any Irish uprising (”Oh, I’m sorry! Our troops were supposed to use rubber bullets!”)

What You’ll Think Is Absolute Shite About The NFL:
-The padding. Yes, yes, rugby players are tougher because they don’t wear pads and play exclusively in hot pants (nice kit!). Whatever. I’m sure Ray Lewis wouldn’t last one second playing for Leicester. You keep on believing that
-For Welsh fans: distracting amount of vowels in player’s last names
-Not enough advertising on uniforms or field

Players That Will Appeal To British Sensibilities:
-Suspended players Chris Henry and Pacman Jones will happily reenact the drunken escapades of Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley
-Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty
-Dhani Jones. Literate linebacker could pass himself off as lead singer of Bloc Party if need be

Last year I wrote A Chick’s Guide To Football which is a bit more in depth but today I’ll try to take a different approach. To understand American football just compare it to rugby. The scrummage in rugby is the scrimmage in NFL. The try in rugby is the touchdown. Touching down only has to cross the goal/try line - not actually touch down. It’s 6/1 instead of 5/2 points for TD/try and conversion. And the conversion is always from the middle of the field. The drop kick is actually still legal in the game, but no one ever does it because of the slimmer shape of the ball. Someone tried it last year for the first time in 30 years.

The chip kick (I think that’s what it’s called - when a guy will kick the ball forward to himself or to a teammate) is like a forward pass - only if it’s not caught before it hit’s the ground - it’s back to the scrimmage from the same point - the Line of Scrimmage. You can only do one forward pass per play. Every other pass has to be lateral or behind - but they can be overhand passes. There’s no line out. If you kick it into touch it’s the other team’s ball. If you run into touch it’s still your ball - you go back to the line of scrimmage.

The biggest difference is the gridiron itself. You have 4 plays (downs) to get 10 yards. Penalties can make that more or less. Usually on the 4th down you kick to the other team (punt) or place kick (field goal) - both of which can be blocked by the other team. If you try to complete the 10 yards on 4th down and fail, the other team gets the ball right there. If/when you make the 10 yards - you get another set of downs to go 10 more yards. If you’re less than 10 yards to the goal line, then you just need to score.

And blocking/obstructing is an integral part off the game.

The other difference is the tackling. I think in rugby there are restrictions on how you tackle - below the waist or something. In NFL there are helmets because there are no rules. Well, there are some now like leading with the crown of the helmet, pulling down by the back collar of the jersey (which cannot be ripped), and launching yourself at a defenseless player. But since there’s padding - everyone tees off on everyone else. The one exception is the quarterback (QB) - he’s given much more protection because he is usually defenseless while looking to throw and is the face of the team in most cases.

In this game you’ll likely see most of the tackling coming from the Giants - since they’re 5-2 and we’re 0-7 and just lost 3 of our best players to injuries and trade (transfer). If we have anything going for us it’s that a) we have to win sometime - and b) the jetlag!

Because there’s a stoppage of play between getting tackled and starting the next play, the game becomes more strategic. Every play is a set play. Groups of players will come on and off for every play or a set of plays. It’s not common for someone to play both offense and defense anymore. That went out in the 60’s.

You’re opposition’s play calling is studied on film the week leading up to a game by the team staff (separate for offense and defense) and personnel and positioning is targeted usually to the personnel of the other side, the formation that the other side is in, and the down and distance to the next first down (second down with 2 to go usually means run whereas 3rd down with 8 to go usually means pass). Offenses aim to trick the defense using a designed set of plays to lull them into complacency or leading them to gamble one way. The pass receivers have their steps timed so the quarterback knows where they’re supposed to be for that play and many times will throw the ball to a spot with the understanding that the receivers will be there when the ball arrives. The combination of routes that each receiver runs is designed to force the defense to move a particular way such that someone to be open to catch the ball.

Defenses aim to confuse the quarterback by showing him one formation but at the last minute switching to another. They may try to rush more guys at the quarterback to rough him up and unsettle him (think Blackburn vs Arsenal) or they may play coverage (trying to put enough men in the passing lanes) to make sure no receiver has an easy catch to make. Or they could fake one and do the other. There’s a fine set of things to look for on every play that could tip the balance, on both sides, to what the other is doing. That’s why there are lots of analogies to war with the quarterbacks as the field generals, the running backs and offensive linemen as the tanks and infantry and the wide receivers as the air force. Don’t know where the Navy would fit in, though.

re:the communications - yes - and it became a big deal over here recently. The game and the strategy has evolved so much to the point now where plays are no longer called by the quarterback - they are instead sent in from the coaching staff. They used to use hand signals, but now rely on the radio comms to the quarterback’s helmet (you’ll notice the green dot indicating he has a radio). The defense doesn’t have such an advantage, so they have to use hand signals - usually to middle linebacker (equivalent to the delensive midfielder in position), he then relays the call to the other delenders and can, as i said belore, change up based on the way the offense looks.

Earlier this year the New England Patriots got caught trying to video record the signals of the defensive coaches - something that was forbidden. Happened the same time as the FAI scandal. Does it happen without the technology? - yes. Stealing signs is a part of all sports here. But since the technology angle was specifically banned and that ban was breached the Patriots were fined and now there’s talk that the linebacker will have the radios next season,

The problem there, again, is the platooning - since there’s no real defined general on defense as there is on offense. But I’m sure they’ll come up with something.

but regarding the plays - yes it can get very complicated. Atypicak playcall might sound like “Triple-flank, Omaha-zoom, tango-twins, XY on 2!” - and that’s an easy one. A lot of times you’ll see the QBs (especially the less seasoned ones) referring to a laminated armband with plays on it. You can’t be stupid to play in the NFL. Well, you can’t be a slow learner. You can still be stupid (Michael Vick, registered dogfighter).

There really is a lot being made of this game both on the NFL side and on the footie side. There’s a push perhaps to expand the season to 17 games to allow every team to play one game internationally - perhaps a weekend with one city getting 2, 3 or even 4 games for the season. London, perhaps Germany (where NFL Europa had it’s most success), Mexico, Toronto, Japan and China.

The question is - with Yank owners now in the Premiership, they might want to do the same eventually. One pundit over here thinks that they might start with something like the Community Shield that is competitive, yet still not part of the season. But I’d have to think the fans would riot if that happened.

For what it’s worth, while the NFL is the biggest sport in the US, the fan support for some teams is lagging. I believe you’re beginning to see the same thing with the Wigans and Boltons over there. Even that Chelsea Rosenborg game. But even so there is not as much history and passion of the fans in the NFL (at least not in most cities).

Miami is one of the worst offenders. This game is actually a home tame that the Dolphins are losing yet the outcry isn’t very great. We seem to only support the team if it’s winning. Our baseball team, despite being less than 15 years old, has won the World Series twice! And their last home game didn’t have more than 500 people in the stands! The Faroe Islands draws more than that!

As far as the NFL, the most storied teams are the Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears - they’ve been around since the 1920’s, Remember that Chick’s Guide To Football - the game started out at the college level over here - one school playing another - so that’s where most of the passion is. So which team should you support? The team with the most recent relative success would be the Patriots Bill Belicheck is kind of like Mourinho in that people hate him and he treats the media with disdain. But he dresses very sloppily. Bob Kraft, the owner, isn’t like Roman Abromavich, but on a trip to Moscow last year, he took off his Super Bowl ring (imagine the biggest gaudiest ring ever - it’s been tradition that the winning team gets a big ring and they’ve been getting bigger and gaudier every year) - so he took it off to show ol’Vlady P and Putin decided put it on - and walk away with it! The Patriots later said that it was a gift - sure it was. Anyway - they look to be the runaway favorites, so that doesn’t really fit the Chelsea mold.

The Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones fits the mold of Abramovich in that he like to spend money on players and tries to influence the team selection and strategy. Their coach last year, Bill Parcells, had success in previous stints and is probably more like Mourinho in personality and ego. But he resigned last year because of what is assumed to be a falling out with the owner over, among other things, the owner’s signing of a Sheva-class player with a Mido-like attitude in Terrell Owens. But Owens’ production didn’t drop off as rapidly as Sheva’s - he’s only been a malcontent.

If I were to compare to the Premiership, I’d say Liverpool is the Green Bay Packers, Man United is the Pittsburgh Steelers, Chelsea is Dallas, Arsenal are the Patriots, Newcastle are the Philadelphia Eagles. But no comparison is absolute. Miami are probably equivalent to Leeds at this point. They posted the only perfect season in NFL history back in 72, and are now mired in a 5 year spiral headlined by a 10 game losing streak.

Hope this helps.

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