Perhaps you already knew this, but the man behind the ShamWow was arrested last month for for allegedly beating up a Miami hooker who had bitten his tongue and refused to let go.
Yeah, go ahead and take a minute to absorb that. (Absorb! Ha!)
The allegations about the prostitute haven’t been proven in court, and we have nothing to add there. Maybe Vince Shlomi is a gentle man who would never dream of punching a hooker in the face. What we do know is that he sells lousy towels.
In following the story, Gawker describes the ShamWow towels as “oddly absorbing” — oddly, they take the commercials at face value.
I know better, having shelled out $19.99 plus tax for a set at Canadian Tire. And let me tell you: The ShamWow is more like a ShamMeh.
The standard box of four ShamWows includes two large orange towels, which can be cut with kitchen scissors into smaller towels if desired, and two thinner, blue towels for smaller spills.
Your first observation will likely be that the ShamWow emits a weird chemical/poo smell reminiscent of the gorilla pavilion at the Toronto Zoo, at least until the first time you wash it (it does hold up in the washing machine, as advertised).
The greater letdown happens next, when you try to use it: To my eyes, the ShamWow does not soak up liquids nearly as well as it seems on the commercials. I’m not sure how Vince Schlomi manages to use a ShamWow to reverse time by sucking liquids out of carpet like the spill never happened, because it doesn’t work when I try it. I spilled some tea on a couch pillow, rushed to grab my ShamWow and immediately put it to work trying to “vacuum” the stain, as Vince puts it. The pillow stayed damp despite much effort (including punching the stain, as recommended by the video). The tea stain is still there.
No, Vince, I am not saying wow every time.
Plus, the thing takes bloody forever to dry. Little liquid seems to escape a saturated ShamWow through evaporation, even over a couple of days, so you’re obligated to wring it out – wow, sounds like fun when those “pet stains” do happen.
On the plus side, to be fair, the ShamWow does not drip, as promised.
Overall, a ShamWow is not worse than using paper towels; nor does it work better. I continue to use mine because to do otherwise would be wasteful. I suppose if you want is a reusable, if smelly, alternative to paper towels the ShamWow is a suitable product. If, however, what you’re after is the miracle liquid-sucking product from Vince Shlomi’s commercials, you will be disappointed.
As for where a former Scientologist might have learned how to market a product using exaggerated promises, we’ll leave you to speculate on that point at your leisure.
So maybe he didn’t use it to towel off that “pleasure professional” in his $700 hotel room. Fucking Infomercials.
As part of my research into Twitter (ok I guess I’m hooked … for now), I set aside some time to monitor the the twitterchatter on our boy Vince “Shamwow” Shlomi and his recent biting/slapping incident. Due to my dilligence (get it?) I unearthed a stunning article that links this guy to (gasp) the Scientologists!!!
For real.
Of course I could just have checked my Google Reader but where’s the fun in that? This sordid tale is explained in detail in this article from Gawker, and in brief at the bottom along with my favorite Shamwow tweets:
Gawker has laid hands on the ShamWow guy’s 2004 lawsuit against the Church of Scientology, and it’s good! He accused the cult of infiltrating his food-chopper business and stealing it from him.
ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi, who was arrested last month because a hooker who allegedly bit him on the tongue and he pummeled the shit out of her, became a Scientologist in 1982. According to his 2004 lawsuit against the cult (read the full lawsuit here), the Scientology was part of a conspiracy to steal his successful food-chopper business from him.
In the early 1990s, Shlomi started a business selling something called “the Chopper,” which appears to be a precursor to the Slap Chop of “you’re gonna love my nuts fame,” which he has more recently been selling in infomercials. According to the suit, he was making more than $1 million a year by setting up demonstrations in malls and using his preternatural pitchman skills to sell the Chopper. Sounds high, but we’ll believe it!
As the Chopper business flourished, Shlomi started bringing his coreligionists on board, teaching them how to hypnotically captivate mall-goers and sell them useless kitchen crap. He cut his Scientology salesmen—including two colleagues named Ron Chacon and Steve Harris—in to the tune of $1.50 for each Chopper sold. All told, Shlomi was employing more than 40 Scientologists in the enterprise.
In the late ’90s, Shlomi decided to pour the profits from the Chopper business into his movie, The Underground Comedy Movie. But his Scientologist employees grew jealous of his business success and his his Hollywood ambitions, and concocted a smear campaign against Shlomi and the movie, which the cult decried as “bad art” (which, let’s face it, it was).
Around the same time, Shlomi turned over day-to-day operations of the Chopper to Chacon and Harris, who allegedly promised to keep paying Shlomi $1.15 for every Chopper they sold. Shlomi claims they sold 1 million (again, sounds high!). But according to the complaint, Chacon and Harris pocketed all the money and stole the business.
Ever the good Scientologist, Shlomi tried to use the cult’s endless labrynth of beaureaucratic procedures—rather than a regular court—to get his money and business back from Harris and Chacon. In response, the complaint says, Harris and Chacon launched a cult-approved “black propaganda campaign” against Shlomi.
That campaign resulted, the complaint says, in Shlomi being hauled up before a Scientology court, which heard unspecified evidence from 22 people and branded him a criminal. Shlomi never heard the specific charges. When he appealed, he was labeled a “Type B declare,” Scientology-speak for “criminals with proven criminal records.” But Shlomi still believed in Scientology’s tenets, and went round and round for years trying to clear his name. Eventually he was allowed back into the cult’s good graces, but he got the run-around when he tried to use Scientology procedures to get his money and business back from Chacon and Harris. He kept at it until 2002, when he learned from a friend that the church had allegedly forced witnesses to denounced him in the kangaroo court. It was, Shlomi decided, a concerted effort to strip him of his business.
The suit was dismissed four months after it was filed. Shlomi left the church and started pitching ShamWows and Slap Chops on TV, got famous, and beat up a hooker. And that’s the story of how the phrase “you’re gonna love my nuts” started out with a Scientology front.
terminally untalented simpleton starts stupid business, uses it to fund his incredibly shit comedy movie, is shocked when said incredibly shit comedy movie is universally trashed, gets his stupid business stolen from him by fellow Scientologists, is dragged before Kafkaesque “Scientology court” (wut) that labels him a “Type B” criminal (double wut) so he escapes the church and becomes a famous infomercial guy, which leads to the inevitable second act breakdown in which he loses his mind, picks up a prostitute, and savagely beats her. That’s pretty much the beginning of the Great American Novel right thSHORTER VERSION: ere, proving that much like Billy Mays, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Saul Bellow don’t have shit on Vince.
My favorite ShamWow Tweets:
Is nobody going 2 defend Shamwow dude? Hooker was biting his tongue & wouldn’t let go! How is that ok? This is why bitches have 2 blackeyes!
Link: The Story Behind Scientology’s Slap Chop Scandal – The full story behind Shamwow/Slap Chop pusher Vince… http://tumblr.com/xuv1ig07x
So the ShamWow guy is a hooker-beatin’, ex-xenuphobic film hobbyist? My mind (quite unlike an Original ShamWow), is unable to absorb it all.
Reading about that ShamWow guy battering some prosty in South Beach hotel room brawl. See mug shot: http://tr.im/i1aL
So shamwow should hire me to be their new spokesman i promise to not punch hookers… I think
So now that slapchop/shamwow Vince has been arrested for beating up a prostitute, will Billy Mays be on all the infomercials from now on?
ShamWow Guy Busted for Allegedly Beating a Prostitute… However, prosecutors won’t press charges saying DNA was completely wiped clean.
Does anyone else find a strange resemblance between the ShamWow guy and Moe from the Simpsons?http://twitpic.com/2mj93
He’ll definitely need a Shamwow to clean up that mess
just got spam email from the Shamwow company. Feel like physically assaulting a prostitute. strange.
Next product shamwow guy comes up with is a hooker mouth guard
A tourist who refused to take his clothes off at a swinger sex party has been blamed for “a mini-riot” at a north Queensland, Australia, nudist colony. Police were called amid threats of violence and lewd behavior and ordered the Brisbane man and his wife from the adults-only “anything goes” sex party. The White Cockatoo resort at Mossman, near Port Douglas, is promoting swingers and sex parties in a month of hedonism for March in a bid to boost sagging tourism figures.
Once billed as the nation’s top group-sex hotspot for swingers, the resort made international headlines last year when The Courier-Mail first reported plans to lift a self-imposed swinger ban. Owner Tony Fox said the “mini-riot” erupted when four naked female guests protested when confronted by the fully-clothed man. “They felt uncomfortable with him eyeing them off and I asked him to show some respect and take his clothes off,” said the nudist colony manager. “He then threatened to bash me, there was some argy-bargy and I ordered him off the premises and police were called.”
Yesterday we told you about the efforts of some Minor League baseball teams to attract fans to the ballpark in these tough economic times with heart-attack inducing food items. Not to be outdone, the Lake Elsinore Storm will see your greasy burgers, onion-laden bratwurst and goopy gop and raise you some free fart neutralizers.
A recent press release from the team reads:
“You can probably deduce that All-You-Can-Eat ballpark food might lead to substantial gas, which is where corporate sponsor, Subtle Butt, enters the picture. Made of activated carbon fabric, each disposable 3.25″ square shield is held onto the inside of the underwear with two self-adhesive strips. Subtle Butt effectively filters flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor.”
We’re sad to report that Subtle Butt is an actual product. Here’s some YouTube evidence:
Ben’s Biz Blog went above and beyond the call of duty and actually talked to the maker of Subtle Butt:
‘Our office is full of girls, and all we do all day long is talk about [flatulence] and sweat,” said Kim Olenicoff, Garment Guard’s founder. ‘We’ve never partnered with anyone before, but in Minor League Baseball we might have found the perfect niche.’
“This ideal pairing came about through the wonders of social networking.
“‘I grew up with one of the guys [assistant gm Allan Benavides] who works at the Storm,’ she said. ‘Through the magic of Facebook he found me and saw what it is I do. He called me up and explained that he thought this would be a good fit.’”
So, there you have it. Further reason to blame the scourge of social networking as the downfall of Western civilization.
Bidding in the auction for the virginity of Natalie Dylan, a 22-year-old student from San Diego, Calif., has reached absurd new highs. The Daily Telegraph has the story, saying that the price has now hit $3.7 million:
Last September, when her auction came to light, she had received bids up to £162,000 ($243,000) but since then interest in her has rocketed. The student who has a degree in Women’s Studies insisted she was not demeaning herself.
Natalie Dylan has appeared on the Howard Stern show and is conducting this transaction through Nevada’s Bunny Ranch brothel. Natalie Dylan photos are readily available online and are, unsurprisingly, a popular search term.
Marking up budget legislation can be a brutal affair, often beginning early and lasting long into the night. But buried within the hours of debate in the Senate on Thursday is an exchange you’d be more likely to hear in a locker room than a congressional hearing. Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad (D-N.D.) was on the receiving end of this one, after telling Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa), “Oh, you are good.” “Well, your wife said the same thing,” Grassley responded.
Thomas Township, MI (NBC) – A Saginaw man faces the next three months behind bars for having relations with a car wash vacuum. Authorities say the man was discovered at a car wash last October performing a sex act with a vacuum cleaner. A resident called police to complain about suspicious activity at the self serve car wash. Jason Savage, 29, was arrested and taken into police custody. Savage was charged with indecent exposure and now faces 90 days in the county jail. There has been no comment from Savage or his attorney on the incident.
Dublin, Ireland (AHN) – A man who just saw his hand chopped off with a samurai sword punched his attacker in the face with the bloody stump, an Irish court heard yesterday. Charles Russell plead guilty to intentionally or recklessly causing serious harm to Peter Rogers at The Deputy Mayor Pub Jan. 13, 2008. Detective Garda Tony Gleeson told the Dublin Circuit Criminal Court that Russell severed Rogers’ hand at the wrist with the first swing of a samurai sword, and the hand fell to the ground, the Independent reported. In shock, Rogers didn’t notice the loss of his hand, and at one point in the struggle punched Russell in the face with the stump of his arm. Doctors have concluded that Rogers has made some progress but that it is unlikely he will make a full recovery, the Independent reported.
MARCH 27–Meet Vince Shlomi. He’s probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.
The affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find here, notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face (she is pictured here in mug shots snapped following busts in 2008 and 2005). After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. “Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons,” police reported. In a brief telephone interview, Harris declined to answer TSG questions about her run-in with Shlomi, though she did say she is considering a lawsuit against the pitchman. Asked if she worked as a hooker, Harris declined comment.
As seen in the below mug shot, Shlomi was also injured during the fracas and, court records show, was treated at Mount Sinai Medical Center. While Shlomi and Harris were both arrested for felony aggravated battery, prosecutors this month declined to file formal charges against the combatants. Police records list Shlomi’s occupation as “Marketing,” but make no mention of his affiliation with the ShamWow or the Slap Chop, both of which sell for $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).
POCATELLO, Idaho (AP) — Good morning, class, and welcome to U.S. history, brought to you by Molto Caldo Pizzeria. In a cash-strapped Idaho high school where signs taped near every light switch remind the staff to save electricity, an enterprising teacher has struck a sponsorship deal with a local pizza shop: Every test, handout and worksheet he passes out to his students reads MOLTO’S PIZZA 14″ 1 TOPPING JUST $5 in bright red, inch-high letters printed along the bottom of every page. “I just wanted to find a way to save money,” said Jeb Harrison, who teaches history and economics.
“We have to sell ads for our yearbook, for our school newspaper. I don’t think this small amount of advertising will change my classroom.” School officials were not wild about the idea, but Pocatello High School Principal Don Cotant relented after Harrison explained the advertisements could help illuminate such topics as the Great Depression. “I had concerns. I didn’t know what this would open up for us,” Cotant said. “But we’ve let this happen because it makes a point about what economic hard times can force people to do.” As school districts across the country face the worst economic outlook in decades, educators who have long reached into their own pockets to buy classroom supplies are finding creative ways to cover expenses. But selling ads on schoolwork is practically unheard of.
The Plumbers Union is steaming over the news that Joe the Plumber has been enlisted by groups opposed to the Employee Free Choice Act to campaign at a number of Pennsylvania rallies against the measure. A Plumbers Union official tells me that Joe is “selling out real plumbers. ”I checked in with Rick Terven, the political and legislative director for The United Association of Journeymen and Apprentices of the Plumbing and Pipe Fitting Industry of the United States and Canada. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist sharing the full name.) He tore into his high-profile plumber colleague as follows:
Joe the plumber is selling out real plumbers. Right now, labor law is stacked against real plumbers. Real plumbers want and need the Employee Free Choice Act as a way to empower themselves to join a union, without fear of intimidation or losing their jobs. Joe the Plumber doesn’t speak for real plumbers.
Terven claimed that the Plumbers Union, which says it has over 300,000 members, had done a survey of non-union plumbers finding that 70% of them wanted to join a union if they could do so without fear of retribution, though I couldn’t immediately get the details of their survey. The larger story here is the battle over who really speaks for working people on this issue — the unions, or the groups against EFCA, some of which are bankrolled by business, who claim that they oppose EFCA because it’s bad for workers.Today the AFL-CIO slammed the Joe the Plumber events as proof that the anti-EFCA groups are whipping up “faux grassroots” opposition to the measure.On that score, the organizers of the event, the anti-EFCA group Americans for Prosperity, still has yet to tell me whether Joe the Plumber is getting paid for his appearances.
Last September, when her auction came to light, she had received bids up to £162,000 ($243,000) but since then interest in her has rocketed. The student who has a degree in Women’s Studies insisted she was not demeaning herself. 
MARCH 27–Meet Vince Shlomi. He’s probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.
