myopiclunacy.com

Greg Giraldo

(The Olsen Twins) are like Tom Green’s testicles, they both look the same but one of them is fake and empty inside and the other’s been licked by Heath Ledger.

[to John Stamos] Look at you you greasy Greek bastard. We shouldn’t be drilling for oil in Alaska we should be wringing out your family’s pillow cases.

[to Norm MacDonald] You’ve dropped more coin at the casino than Michael J Fox at a parking meter.

[to Jon Lovitz] There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Ann Frank.

Jon Lovitz

Bob’s so gay his asshole’s no longer a hole, but a smile

Jeffery Ross

[to Cloris Leachman] Did you come here in a limo or a time machine

Jon Lovitz went on match.com - it paired him up with a couch and a bottle of hand lotion

Most comics dream of performing in Las Vegas, Nevada. Bob Saget dreams of performing in Hannah Montana.

Susie Essman

[to John Stamos] I had no idea you had such a sharp tongue - that must really hurt Bob’s asshole.

Brian Posehn

I’m only here because Lisa Lampanelli finally got murdered by one of her black boyfriends

Jody Sweetin used to host this terrible cable show called “Pants Off Dance Off” - which is how I used to watch “Full House”

Cloris Leachman

I have vibrators older than most of you - the difference is they still work

Norm can’t stay much longer he has to get his suit back to his father’s coffin

[to Bob Saget] You didn’t just kill sit-coms, you raped them and left them for dead in a ditch

Sarah Silverman

I heard that Bob Saget calls his balls The Olsen Twins - I know for a fact that’s not true because … um … he calls them Michelle.

Jim Norton

Jeff Garland, how fat a man do you intend on being. Fuck enthusiasm, curb your appetite.

[to Jon Lovitz] it’s gotten to the point where I think success has a restraining order on you.

Gilbert Gottfried

Cloris Leachman is so old that her tits are labeled “Whites Only” and “Colored”

I watched Bob Saget’s HBO special in high def … because you have to be either high or deaf to watch

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar.They tell the bartender, “Give us 2 asshurts.” The bartender says, “How do you make an asshurt?” The Olsen twins say, “Bob Saget hands you a chocolate milk that he just made … and you wake up 3 hours later lying on your stomach”

btw - Jody Sweetin is all grown up now.

Her rack is impressive. I know, I know … “How rude!”

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