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September 25, 2007

Mike Gundy is MAD!!



 

Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy’s tirade against a reporter from The Oklahoman who was critical of former starting QB Bobbi Reid is probably the best college coaching meltdown since Dan Hawkins “It’s Division One Football!” rant from last season. He was so mad, that if you didn’t read the whole story you wouldn’t know his team pulled out a great shootout win over Big 12 rival Texas Tech.

Wow! She called him out for being a wimp, coddled and fed chicken. Kinda harsh for a college player but the Newspaper business needs eyeballs too. You can’t let Tiki Barber have all the fun. Of course after such a verbal berating – the columnist has to fight back, right?

A newspaper columnist for The Oklahoman on Tuesday defended her reporting on a story that prompted a tirade by Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy. Jenni Carlson, in a column on the front page, maintained the accuracy of an earlier column critical of the Cowboys’ former starting quarterback.

“I will not stand on the sidelines and allow someone to attack my credibility,” she said.

Carlson’s column Saturday suggested Bobby Reid’s demotion was a result of his attitude more than his ineffective play. It stated that Reid, who lost his starting job two games ago, had not always handled his nerves well and his slow starts put the Cowboys in some early holes, including some they dug out of with Reid “wielding the biggest shovel.”

It also called Reid the “most talented quarterback” on the team and indicated Reid was “nicked in some games and sat it out instead of gutting it out.” Following Oklahoma State’s 49-45 win over Texas Tech, Gundy used his postgame news conference to berate Carlson and left the room without taking questions.

On Saturday, Gundy called three-fourths of the column “fiction.” During Gundy’s news conference Monday, Carlson asked the coach to point out what he thought were factual errors.

The tirade was awesome and it’s great that he wants to defend his players from allegedly shotty reporting. But I wonder if she wasn’t a woman reporter – would have been as loud and forceful with his comments – and if there would have been the same reaction from the gallery. No doubt there’s still a stigma attached to women reporters in sports.

“It just happened because of my feelings for the team and the players and I just felt like it wasn’t the right thing,” Gundy said. “I certainly didn’t do it to receive recognition and I certainly don’t want it to take away from this upcoming game like it unfortunately took away from the last game for the team.”The situation has drawn more attention than the result of the game, which included more than 1,300 yards of offense and Tech’s Graham Harrell throwing for the fourth-highest total in major college football history.

“I thought it was more important that somebody stand up for a player who couldn’t stand up for himself,” Gundy said.

Football Writers Association of America president Mike Griffith called Gundy’s behavior “completely inappropriate” and suggested the matter “could have been handled in a more private and appropriate matter.”

The Association for Women in Sports Media said Monday night that Gundy handled the situation in an “unprofessional manner,” and while he has a right to his opinion “his decision to air his objections in the form of a personal attack shows a lack of respect for all journalists.”

We’ll see how this affects his team going forward. Surely Reid now has all the motivation he needs to prove his doubters wrong. But if he doesn’t, he’s hopefully getting a great education in Stillwater! How ’bout them Cowboys!

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September 2, 2007

Lloyd Carr should be fired tomorrow at 8am



 

This guy is a classic Larry Coker. He had glory early and has managed to underwhelm ever since. And the only reason he’s still around is because of that 1997 title. Miami came to their senses and fired Coker last season. Michigan could have done the same to Lloyd Carr after being embarassed in their bowl game with USC. But did the (some would say) honorable thing hoping Lloyd would rally and come out smoking this season.

They only delayed the inevitable.

Where the heck is Appalachian State? Yeah, I know that they’ve won a couple of Division 1-AA national championships. But, what can any villager tell me what state is the home of the Appalachian State Mountaineers?

It is depressing to be a fan of the University of Michigan.

My favorite team managed again to find a way to lose. Not just lose … but, to be embarrassed as the first Division 1 ranked team to lose to a Division 1-AA team in the history of college football. They have been playing college football for over a hundred years. What are the odds that your team can become the first in centuries to lose in a certain way?

Oh dear. Every now and then a big team plays a cupcake and has a close game. But at home? to a I-AA team? In a make-or-break season for the coach? Methinks that Lloyd and the Wolverines are done for the year. The only way they can salvage this season is to fire him first thing Monday morning and promote the offensive co-ordinator.

Hail Hail to Victory, indeed!

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October 30, 2006

Kyle Wright: Worst Univ. of Miami QB EVER!!!



 

WTF is wrong with Kyle Wright. He has to be the worst QB at Miami in years. Even Ryan Collins, Frank Costa, and Geoff Toretta (Gino’s brother) were better.

  • He can’t complete passes
  • He can’t outrun pursuit – yet he still tries
  • He won’t throw the ball away
  • He can’t go past 2 reads without keying on the pass rush
  • He never looks off the safety
  • He has awful pocket presence
  • He has the slowest release this side of Randall Cunningham

He’s just a bad, bad quarterback. Why is he in there? Why is he starting. This is a Dave Wannstedt move – another reason I want Coker out. It’s ok to run the Nebraska Eric Crouch running offense if you can get push from the OL, but when you can’t do that consistantly against quality opposition you need the QB to make plays, not think he can outrun LBs to the corner that run 4.3 40s. I mean Jeez. It’s just painful. The fact that we’re still in the game against GT was amazing and a testament to our defense. This guy just sucks.

Sure Kenny Kelly would give the ball away or Brock Berlin was useless when he wasn’t in shotgun, but this is just pitiful. And Ryan Collins was a run first QB – but at least he could run! At least Kelly could run. At least Ryan Clement and Scott Covington could complete a pass. Wright is horrible. How the hell was he our stater for 3 years? Does that meen Kirby Freeman is just plain retarded?

Unreal.

Lloyd Carr and Larry Coker were in the same boat this offseason. Lloyd Carr went out and got good coaches to coach up his players and get them to play smarter. Larry Coker fired scapegoats and then went out and did interviews.

Now Look at the difference.

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August 31, 2006

A Chicks’ Guide To Football



 

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Given the time of year and the relative number of hot mamacitas on that read this blog, I decided to write something that you can all use:

A Chicks Guide To Watching Football

I’m going to make you understand football – to break it down like a fraction so never again will you be stumped as to WTF is going on out there on that screen that your man is glued to like flies on shit. In true UML style, let’s begin with the actors.

ACTORS RESPONSIBILITIES
The Game Of Football It’s not as much about the hitting and running as you might think. At the NFL level especially, they’re all pretty much equally talented. Here it’s all about confidence, motivation, and smarts. It’s a chess match of sorts.
Football Players They are the ones who actually go out and do the hitting. Most sound like dumb jocks, and outside their “area of expertise” and they pretty much are, but a lot will surprise you and the kind of stuff they have to know is not easy. Age ranges from 22 to the mid 30s
Football Head Coach More often than not, the guy yelling and giving the pep talk speeches and making sure all the players are mentally ready. Usually a guy in his 40s, 50s, or 60s. Almost all are crotchety because if they lose, the city, the media, the owner, and e’erybody on talk radio will be on their ass!
Football Coordinators There’s one for offense, one for defense, and one for special teams. The offense and defense guys actually stay up in one of the booths in the stadium so they can see things happen and prepare their next move. Chess Match. They communicate down to the field and into the QB’s helmet with a radio.
General Managers, Presidents These are the behind the scenes guys who make it happen. They have to sign new players, draft them from college, and make sure they aren’t losing money. You wonder why teams are always clamoring for new stadiums? It’s because new stadiums gives them new ways to make money. I’m sure pretty soon you’re gonna see commercials in the toilet!
Owners The fat cats. Used to be these things were family owned, but now it’s become so competitive that the only ones who can afford teams now are multi-millionaires and billionaires who made their money in other businesses and use the team part as a plaything, but also part as another fun way to make money.
Fans at the stadium Man, I don’t know the last time you went to an NFL game, but it is EXPENSIVE. There’s the traffic to get there. The parking which is ridiculous. The food and concession prices which are more than at the movies. And then there’s the ticket prices. OMFG. Yet some people shell out money to buy season tickets. Die hards these people are. I am not. I’ll do it for my college team (an order of magnitude cheaper), but not for the pros.
Fans watching on TV These can be anywhere, at home in the city where the team is, at a local bar, or maybe cheering on from some other city watching on DirecTV’s NFL Package. These guys are slowly but surely converting from watching on the cheap 20 inchers that I have to glorious High Definition sets where you can see the sweat fall through the facemasks. For some people it’s important. Gives you the feeling that you’re into the game, fulfilling all your fantasies of being that sports star and rekindling the fading memories of the day you scored 4 touchdowns for Polk High.
Fantasy Football Fans Fantasy Football has been described as the D&D for football fans. It’s basically a game where a bunch of guys get together and pick certain players from different teams who they think will do well throughout the season and keep a score of how many yards they got, how many touchdowns they scored, etc. The guy with the most points wins. Yay! I think it adds a new dimension to games that you wouldn’t normally watch.


HOW DID FOOTBALL COME ABOUT

ImageWhile many similar games have been played throughout history, Football as we knew it started out in England at various academic institutions using different rules. Traditionally the foot was used to advance the ball but there were rules where you could catch the ball as well before scoring. At one such school in the city of Rugby, England, the rules were such that you could throw the ball around to teammates before getting tackled. After a while it was decided to standardize the rules under an association, and the Football Association was born (1863). And that’s when the big schism happened in football, as the two main types of football were divided into the association rules and the rugby rules. Association was eventually shortened to assoc and that’s where the name Soccer comes from, as in “you’re either a Soccer or a Rugger.” From there football spread in its various forms to Aussie Rules in Australia, Gaelic Football in Ireland and Gridiron football in America.

Gridiron football (played in the NFL, NCAA and the Canadian Football League) is a descendant from the rugby rules, modified somewhat. They call it gridiron because of all the lines painted across the field. The first football game in America is said to be the Princeton vs Yale game in 1869 playing mostly the soccer style. But it was Haaaaahvard University that, in a game against McGill U of Canada, played the rubgy style for the first time in 1875. Harvard convinced the other schools in late 1876 that Rugby Rules were the way to go.

ImageSo what happened? Changes in the game were introduced over time. The rugby scrum became a scrimmage, some of the more dangerous elements were eliminated, and it became legal to throw the ball forward instead of kicking it. Clearly, they were onto something with the throwing because they decided to make the ball slimmer to accommodate slimmer hands, allowed for more substitution (which eventually lead to specialization of players for offense and defense) and introduced all sorts of rules to make it more enticing to throw the ball and less enticing to run or kick. And that’s why football hardly uses the foot anymore.

HOW DO YOU PLAY?

ImageEach team can have no more than 11 players on the field at a time. The field is 100 yards long and about 50 yards wide. At each end is what’s called an endzone that’s 10 yards deep. Behind each endzone is a goalpost that’s about 10 yards wide and about 15 feet off the ground. The basic intent of football is to score more points than the other team. A touchdown (running the ball or catching it in the endzone) gives you 6points and a field goal (kicking it through the goal posts) gives you 3. After every touchdown, you can try for an extra point by kicking, or for 2 points by running or passing. Kicking it is almost automatic and is taken for granted. Running or passing is not and is usually saved for only when you’re down at the end of the game.

Image


The game is 60 minutes long divided into 4 quarters of 15 minutes each. Teams switch sides after each quarter. A kickoff happens at the start of the first and third quarters, as well as after every score. The kickoff is basically just kicking the ball to the other team so they can run it back and get tackled. When you have the ball, you send your offense out – the offense includes the quarterback, running backs, receivers, and blockers. In order to keep the ball they have to make first downs, i.e. move 10 yards down the field. Because teams are usually chicken shit, if they haven’t made the 10 yards after 3 tries (also called downs) they’ll kick (punt) the ball to the other team so as not to make it easy for them to score. The defense will prevent them from scoring, getting a first down or maybe even try to get the ball from them with an interception (catching the ball from the other teams quarterback) or causing a fumble (losing possession of the ball while running).

OFFENSIVE POSITIONS

ImageQuarterback(QB) – The main guy on offense he calls the plays, directs the team, and distributes the ball. Peyton Manning and Michael Vick are QBs.

Running Back (RB) – The guy behind the QB who runs with the ball. These guys take a beating every play because when they’re not running, they’re blocking guys from getting to the QB. Includes Fullback,Halfback. Reggie Bush, Larry Johnson, and Ladanian Tomlinson are examples.

Wide Receiver (WR) – the skinny, fast guys who lineup away from all the action, and run down the field and catch the ball form the quarterback. These are the divas of the team. Includes Flanker, Split End, Slot Receiver. Randy Moss, T.O. and Chad Johnson are examples.

Offensive Linemen (OL)
– These guys block. They’re the biggest guys on the field usually. When the running back runs, they run out ahead and clear a path. When the QB is going to throw, they protect him from being hit. These are the guys that do the dirty work so others can shine. There are 2 tackles on the outside, 2 guards and a center in the middle. The center hikes (snaps) the ball. The rule is – you have to use these 5. No variations, but you can bring in extra if you alert the referee. Kyle Turley is the only name I think people would recognize.

ImageTightEnd (TE) – These guys catch the ball and block. Jeremy Shockey and Antonio Gates are TEs.

The standard offense would be to have 2 WRs, 1 TE, 5 OL, 1 QB, and 2 RBs for a total of 11.

DEFENSIVE POSITIONS

Defensive Linemen (DL) – These guys are the biggest guys on defense.They are the ones who take on the offensive linemen, sack the quarterback (tackle him behind the line of scrimmage) and tackle the running backs. You will not see these guys chasing wide receivers toooften. Includes Ends and Tackles. Michael Strahan and Dwight Freeney are linemen.

Image


Linebackers (LB)
– The jacks of all trades on defense. The Middle Linebacker is usually called the defensive quarterback – he looks over the offense and calls the plays for the defense. Linebackers do everything from covering receivers (preventing or making it hard for them to catch balls) to chasing running backs to going after the quarterback. Includes Inside or Middle and Outside linebackers. Teddy Bruschi, Zach Thomas and Ray Lewis are linebackers.

Defensive Backs (DB) – They cover the receivers and knock down passes,and sometimes try to intercept the ball. They’re the skinny, fast ones.Includes Safeties and Cornerbacks. Troy Palomalu, Ed Reed and Champ Bailey are DBs.

The standard defense would include 4 DL, 3 LBs, and 4 DBs, or 3 DL, 4 LBs, and 4 DBs.

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STRATEGY AND PLAYCALLING

How do you approach a game? Well it’s simple. There’s the David approach – try to be the faster, quicker team (usually when you have smaller quicker players) or the Goliath approach – where you throw your weight around and make the other team say Uncle. On offense the Goliath approach would mean running the ball more and basically making it a violent but low scoring game where the opposing team’s defense gets tired and other team’s offense doesn’t get on the field for long stretches of time. Football is a game of momentum, and wearing someone down slowly and methodically is a very big mental edge. It breeds confidence in your team and fear and intimidation in the other team.Kinda like what Bush did to the ‘Merican public around 2002.

I-offense playTo use the Goliath approach on offense you’d use more tight ends and less receivers. And you’d use your bigger running backs who can take a beating. To use it on defense, you’d have more defensive linemen and linebackers and less defensive backs.

ImageBut there’s always the lightening quick approach, where if you have the faster players, you go for broke and start throwing the ball all over the place trying for a big play. In this case, on offense you’d have more receivers – sometimes as many as 5. On defense, you’d have less DL and LBs and more DBs who can intercept and knock down passes, but not tackle as well.

The playcalls themselves are a whole ‘nother ball of wax. They’re coded based on different philosophies. Some use numbers and actions, others use names. 32 Dive above shows a running play. Some passing plays call the receivers X, Y, and Z. So the playcall will be something like X cross Y post Z screen. But this  like high school. In the NFL it’s much much more complicated where common routes get hybrid names like Sluggo (slant and go) and Smash (inside / outside combination).

OTHER PHRASES YOU NEED TO KNOW

Turnover – when you fumble the ball and the other team gets it, when you throw an interception, or when you don’t punt and can’t make the 10 yards for the first down it’s called a turnover. Also missing a field goal is considered a turnover. Backpedal/Dropback – this is when the QB slides away from the center and before he throws the ball. A bad dropback almost ALWAYS results in a bad pass and is very important to the Quarterback

Line of Scrimmage – it’s the spot on the field where each play, or down, starts from. It’s where everyone lines up and it’s the linen either team can cross before the ball is snapped.

Blitz – this happens when the defense sends a linebacker or a defensive back after the QB. Blitzes are so commonplace nowadays that offenses have complex schemes to protect them and receivers have to look out so they run a different route (blitz breakoff) so the QB can throw the ball to them quickly.

Instant Replay – if the referees make a call that the coach doesn’t agree with, the coach can challenge it and the referee will have to look at the instant replay to see if the call was correct. But if the call doesn’t get reversed, then the coach loses a time out.

West Coast Offense – this was started by Bill Walsh with the 49ers and is basically a strategy (more David than Goliath) of using short passes instead of long passes and running the ball. It’s so complex that it is ties the QBs footwork with each receivers routes, so that the receiver is supposed to be at a spot on each step of the QBs backpedal. It is also designed to let the receivers catch the ball and make lots of yards running after the catch (YAC or RAC). Freaky but effective when done right.

Down and Distance – 1st and 10 or 2nd a 3 -indicates how many plays left to get a first down, and how far (in yards) they need to get it.

Huddle – before the play the offense bunches up in a circle and the QB tells them the play they’re going to run. These plays are called by the coordinator based on the situation in the game, the score, the down and distance, and the players that the defense has in. Chess Match.

Audible – do you see all that barking the QB does when he get up to the line of scrimmage? Well if they play that he called in the huddle looks like it’s going to fail based on how the defense lines up, the QB will call an audible – which is basically a code word that each of the offense knows so that they do something different. Usually it involves turning a running play into a passing play but sometimes can mean telling a receiver to run to the left instead of the right.

Division and Conferences – the NFL is actually the result of many mergers of football leagues. With these mergers, there developed two conferences with 3 divisions with teams from all over. A few years ago they realigned the conferences and divisions so that there is a North, South, East and West division for each conference. The cities and states that have more than one team usually have them in different conferences. For example – the NY Giants and the NY Jets are in different conferences. And the schedule rotates so that every team will play each other at least once every 4 years.

Backfield – the area behind the offensive linemen. Tackling the QB in the backfield while he’s trying to throw is called a sack.

Touchback – when one team kicks to another team, if the ball goes into their endzone and is not advanced, it’s called a touch back and the ball is placed on the 20 yard line.

Safety – when an offensive player is trying to run the ball out of or pass the ball from the endzone (i. e. not the one they’re trying to score in) and gets tackled, it’s 2 points for the other team and called a safety (not to be confused with the position of safety)

Play-Action – occurs when the offense acts like it’s going to run and end up passing. They do it to fool the linebackers and safeties into going one direction hoping that they’ll leave someone uncovered for the QB to throw to. Peyton Manning does this a lot.

Fair Catch – when you punt the ball the guy receiving can waive his hands in the air before catching – signaling that he wants a fair catch – where he won’t run and can’t be tackled. The next play will start from the spot where he caught the ball.

Play Clock – the offense has 40 seconds between the time the last play finishes and the next play needs to start. If you run out of time on the play clock, the offense will be assessed a 5 yard penalty.

Forward Progress – in order to prevent injuries, there’s a rule that once a runner’s forward progress is stopped, the play is over and is whistled dead. But it also has the effect of giving the runner the best spot even if he runs to a point then gets pushed back 5 yards.


THE BUSINESS OF THE NFL

ImageThe league has 32 teams and the season is 16 games long – spread out over 17 weeks. Why 17? So they can have an extra week of making money.That’s a total of 256 games per season plus 11 playoff games. With a full schedule for the week, there are 14 games on Sunday during the day on CBS and Fox, one Sunday Night game on NBC, and one Monday Night game on ESPN. Sometimes they’ll have games on Thursday, sometimes 2 on Monday, sometimes on Saturday and then of course there’s Thanksgiving. Some of those Thursday games will be on the NFL Network – so make sure you can get it – it’s 212 on DirecTV. Then there’s the Sunday Ticket. ImageIt really is God’s gift to the football fan. You can watch every game on Sunday live, and on one channel you can watch 4 at a time and there’s one channel where it moves in and out from game to game. Mind you – in order to not get screwed you need to make sure your billing address is not near major CBS or FOX affiliates or within 75 miles of an NFL stadium because if it is they will NOT show any game that’s been blacked out locally and they will NOT show you the game scheduled to be on your local affiliate even though the local station can change the game they’re showing at any time – a major fan watching loophole.

ImageHow does the NFL make money? Well football being once a week doesn’t inundate you with meaningless games during the regular season and gives a chance for the hype machine to work in between games, building intrigue. The NFL teams all split evenly the money they receive from TV rights fees and merchandising. So how do the owners make money? With the stadium.When they can sell tickets for $50 a pop at the cheapest, and $10 to park and $5 for a hot dog and $6 for a beer – it’s easy to make money. The newer stadiums all have luxury boxes – air conditioned rooms with a great view of the field for the corporate big wigs to go chill in and sip brandy (maybe even with Brandy). Those things command a pretty penny and the teams with old stadiums are always looking for ways to scam the town into paying for upgrades and renovations so they can find more revenue streams (you hear that San Diego). They always threaten to leave the town for LA which, remarkably has NO NFL TEAM cuz they just don’t care about football in LA.

So to force you to go to the games, they instituted what’s called a blackout rule. Any TV affiliate with a reach inside 75 miles from an NFL stadium cannot show that game locally if it’s not sold out 72 hours before kickoff. So if I lived in Ft. Pierce, Florida and I wanted to watch the Miami Dolphins game on, say, WPEC in West Palm Beach Florida- I’m SOL. ImageSame thing with Charger fans in LA and Iggles, Giants and Jets fans in central NJ (if any of those teams ever didn’t sell out).

FOOTBALL FANS

Professional football started out in the midwest and then the northeast – and fans in Cleveland, Philly, New York and Green Bay are legendary for their rabidness (yes – if they bite you go directly to the ER stat). Tailgating and going to games there is as ingrained as breathing. Conversely in the south the love for football is usually around high school and especially college football, where the drinking and spitooing that doesn’t occur in a NASCAR infield happens the day before and day of a college football game. The pro teams in the south are relatively newer and not as rabidly supported – same on the west coast.

Image


ImageSUPER BOWL

The Super Bowl is the championship game played every year in late January or early February. It’s not usually the best game, but it has the best commercials because everyone is watching. ImageIt’s not as watched as the World Cup Final, but when you consider that really no other country except Canada has a high profile gridiron football league, getting the worldwide viewership it gets is pretty good. Super Bowl commercials are the most expensive in the US because they’ll get the most attention. It was Apple that announced itself to the world with it’s famous commercial about the Macintosh. And who can forget the Budweiser Frogs or the Bud Bowl.

 

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT

You’re either 10 times smarter now, or more confused that Michael Jackson in a girls scouts meeting.

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August 17, 2002

Gator Hater Jokes

Filed under: Florida Gators, Gator Hater, NCAA Football, football — Tags: , , , — webadmin @ 3:47 pm


 

I HATE GATORS, yes I do.
I HATE GATORS, how about you?


To get our Gator hating in top form for the trip – we offer these anecdotes from Gatorland. Enjoy – and feel free to use these if you too are a Gator Hater.

Note from author: As you know, there is a team up North that I dislike more than any other in the world. I thought I would share some jokes about this team. Enjoy


How do you keep a Gator out of your front yard?
Put a goal post up!How many Gators does it take to change a flat tire?
Just one…unless it’s a blowout, then they all show up!

What do you get when you cross a Gator with a groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad football.

If you have a car containing a Gator wide receiver, a Gator linebacker, and a Gator defensive back, who is driving the car?
The cop.

What’s the difference between a Gator and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.

What’s the best thing to come out of Gainesville?
I-75

Why did the Gator grad get fired from the M&M factory?
He was throwing away too many W’s.

How many Gators does it take to tackle Ken Dorsey?
Good question, no one knows.

What did the UF graduate say to the UM graduate?
“You want fries with that?”

Why is UF changing their mascot to the possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you sell out a UF home game?
Invite the Miami Hurricanes!

What should you do if you find three Gators buried up to their necks in cement?
Get more cement!

Good uses for a UF diploma:

  1. Toilet paper
  2. Proof of need for handicapped parking sticker
  3. Crying towel
  4. Proof of need for welfare

How many Gators does it take to tackle a UM running back?
I don’t know, but it’s more than eleven!

What do you call an UF grad wearing a suit and tie?
The defendant!

What does the average UF student get on their SAT’s?
Drool.

Why did Forrest Gump choose ‘Bama over UF?
He wanted an academic challenge!

A Miami grad, A Harvard grad, and a Florida grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The Miami grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, “Earthquake!” The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the Miami grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Harvard grad is next, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, “Flood!” The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Harvard grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The Florida grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers what the Miami and Harvard grads had done, so he yells, “Fire!”

What do a Miami student and a UF student have in common?
They were both accepted to UF.

A guy is in a bar with his dog, watching the UM vs. UF game. The Gators surprisingly manage to get a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe. After a while the Gators score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar. Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, “Man, that’s amazing. What does your dog do if UF beats Miami?” The guy replied, “I dunno, I’ve only had him 17 years.”

What do tornadoes and UF grads have in common?
They both always end up in trailer parks!

A man walks into a store and says, “I would like a orange hat, blue pants, green sweater, and white shoes.” The clerk says, “Are you a Gator fan?” “Yes,” replies the man, “How did you guess-by the color combination?” “No,” answers the clerk, “because this is a hardware store.”

There was a couple who were getting divorced, so the judge said to the child, “Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with your Dad?” “No,” said the child, “he beats me.” “Do you want to live with your Mom?” “No, she beats me too.” “Well who do you want to live with?” “I want to live with a Gator Fan.” Confused, the judge asked, “Why?” The child replied, “Because they never beat anybody that’s good!”

One day in a bus station, one man approached another and said, “I bet your from the University of Florida.” “Why yes I am” answered the other. “How could you tell, was it my good looks, my debonair charm, my taste in clothing?” “No,” replied the first, “I saw your class ring as you were picking your nose.”

Did you hear about the big power outage at the UF student union?
Forty Gators were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

What is the difference between a Gator fan’s car and a Porcupine?
The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

There’s a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Coral Gables, and a UM student driving from Coral Gables to Gainesville. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!”

Likewise, the Cane scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!” The Gator walks over to the Cane student and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.” The Canes Student thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m going to see what else survived this wreck.” So the UM Student pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Gator, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship.” The Gator says, “You’re right!”, and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the UM Student and says, “Your turn!” The UM Student twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”

Why do UF grads hang their diplomas in the rear windows of their cars?
So they can park in “handicapped” spaces.

How do you get a UF graduate off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and says, “Hey barkeep- did you ever hear the one about the Florida Gators?” Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, “We play football at UF- you sure you wanna tell that joke?” The guy replies, “What? and have to explain it four times?”

What is the difference between a Gator and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.

Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?
On the UF campus, because that’s the last place you’ll find a football player.

What’s the difference between a Gator and a dollar bill?
You only get three quarters out of a Gator.

Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Florida school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the FSU grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, “This is for FSU! Go Noles!” as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be outdone, the UCF grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, “This is for Central Florida! Let’s Go Knights!” Seeing this, the UM grad walked over and shouted, “This is for everyone!” and pushed the Gator off the side of the mountain.

Just when you thought there could be no more jokes about UF…

Top 10 Classes at UF:

  1. Philosophy: Why Don’t They Spell It with an “F” ?
  2. Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
  3. Sandwich Making: A Project Course
  4. Hand-Shadow Workshop
  5. Subtraction: Addition’s Tricky Friend
  6. Cliff’s Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
  7. Hooked on Phonics
  8. The College Classroom: A Simulation
  9. ABC’s: An Extended Version
  10. Literature: Coloring inside the lines

They’ve hired a new waitress at the coffee shop on north Monroe. She’s a robot. A man walked in and she greeted him at the door. Dinner for one? Yes he replied. She said, tell me sir, what is your IQ? 150 he said. So they talked for a few minutes about global current events. She said excuse me for a minute as another man came in. Dinner for one? Yes the man replied. Tell me she said, what is your IQ? The man said 120. So they sat for a few minutes talking about the possibility of a comet striking the earth and other natural disasters. Another man came in the restaurant and she greeting him at the door. Dinner for one she asks? Yes, replied the man. If you don’t mind sir, would you tell me your IQ? 50 the man said. To which the robot replied, GO Gators!

What are the toughest 6 years in a Gator’s life?
3rd grade.

What do you call a Gator with half a brain?
“Gifted”

What job do they assign Gators at the M&M factory?
Proofreading.

How many UF freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, it is a sophomore course.

Why don’t Gators use 911 in an emergency?
They can’t find 11 on the dial.

Did you hear about the Gators found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?
They went to see “Closed for Winter”.

What do you call 12 Gators in a basement?
A “Whine” Cellar

Three students went to the Olympics in Atlanta. One was a Cane, one was a Duke student and one was a Gator. They had almost no money to start with so by the time they got to Atlanta they had no money for tickets to the events. The Cane put a pair of track shoes around his neck, went up to the track venue and said “Smith, University of Miami, track.” So the security guard let him in. The Duke student got the message. He put a pair of sneakers around his neck, went up to the basketball venue and said “Johnson, Duke basketball.” The security guard let him in. The gator thought he had it. He saw a roll of barb wire by the side of the road, picked it up and threw it over his shoulder. He went up to the nearest venue and said “Miller, University of Florida, fencing.”

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Florida Gator. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Gators too. No one really knowing what a Florida Gator is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Gator.” Then, asks the teacher, what are you? “Why, I’m a proud Miami Hurricane,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Hurricane. “Well, my mom and dad are Hurricanes, so I’m a Hurricane too.” The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?” After a pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be a Gator.”

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August 16, 2002

Gator Hating in 2002



 

‘Canes spank post-Spurrier Gators at Swamp

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Fifteen years of buildup during which Miami and Florida garnered five national championships and two Heismans, and the best arm in the joint belonged to a strong safety. The best legs belonged to a former backup tailback. Florida’s best chance to overcome all that was to place a Bat-phone-like emergency call to the nation’s capital. And that ain’t happening. Not now. Not ever. In case Gator Nation didn’t get the memo, the Spurrier era is over. No. 1 Miami made it official with a 41-16 victory that laid waste to the record book and the immediate hopes of those wishing that somehow Ron Zook would make it all better again.


Ken Dorsey (left) outduels fellow Heisman candidate Rex Grossman despite three interceptions.(AP)

CANES BLOW THROUGH SWAMP, TROUNCE GATORS 41-16

The top ranked University of Miami beat #6 Florida 41-16 in front of a packed house in The Swamp. Led by tailback Willis McGahee, the Hurricanes ran for 306 yards on 46 carries. There is no question that at this point of the 2002 season, Miami is the best team in the country.

Trivial pursuit before ‘Canes-Gators showdown

  • True or False? Florida lost a one-point game to UM when a blocked PAT was scooped up by a guy named Inky, who then lateraled back to the kicker, who carried the ball into the end zone for the decisive point.
  • True or False? Miami stunned the Gators despite starting a QB who had been a team manager at the start of the season.
  • True or False? In 1965, the original stud Miami QB, George Mira (a righty) beat Florida by throwing a TD pass left-handed when a rusher pinned his right arm.
  • True or False? Florida’s defense once intentionally flopped to the field, allowing Miami to score a late touchdown, so that John Reaves would have time for one final series in which to break an NCAA passing record.
  • True or False? Miami won a game when a 55-yard field goal caromed off an upright and through.
  • True or False? Miami was a Steve Spurrier nemesis.
  • True or False? The ‘Canes clobbered Florida in ‘84 when Bernie Kosar sprinted 97 yards for a TD, as a jubilant Jimmy Johnson tossed his visor in the air.
  • True or False? Howard Schnellenberger ordered a field goal kicked on the final play, with the ‘Canes up 28-7 in Gainesville.
  • True or False? The Gators once celebrated a win by jumping into a pool behind the Orange Bowl’s end zone.

    Answers: true, true, true, true, true, true, true and true — they’re all true, except for the one about Kosar running 97 yards. Some weird stuff has happened, but not that preposterous. Plus, Jimmy never let a visor (or anything else) touch his hair dome.

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    The Lyrical Dagger: Part 2



     

    We had to do it One Mo’gain.Turn up the volume in the headphones. This is based on the verse of The Great One (Biggie) in All About The Benjamins
    We been had skills, NFL still

    Dropped bills at will, about a mil for each kill

    It be hard to get like us, serious! Envious?

    Call us assholes? We’ll still run right past those.

    Football for the south east just can’t be beat

    But west coast shorty’s like to surf and drink forty’s

    Rocking Creed instead of Naughty. Flipping the Dodger cap. (Uh uh)

    Tailgates and gridiron. That’s where the party’s at

    Ever since the spring we wait for these dates

    F— the U of F and F— Florida State

    Listen close – is it Kansas? Incorrect answer.

    Attack the D-backs. The back field’s split. Dorsey’s grip

    Doesn’t slip. Johnson’s break – clean away

    Opposing players GET AWAY! cuz the Canes can play

    Squeeze off 50 TD’s, don’t tempt me

    The loss column we send thee, on the way to Tempe

    What??

    Copyright (C) 2002, Gatorhater Productions, Inc. (Delaware)

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    October 5, 2001

    The Lyrical Dagger: Part 1



     

    Awww Yeah, Back With Another One
    In honor of the Team of Destiny, I’ve put together some lyrical magic. Peep this. This is based on the verse of The Great One (Biggie) in Mo Money Mo Problems
    S-E-M, I-N, O-L-E

    Gonna end up like Bison Dele

    Federal agents in pacific basins

    Looking for game, but your team got wasted

    My team, the loss column clean

    Triple teamed, it doesn’t mean we get beaten

    Can’t you see where all our votes went

    Loved by pollsters, led by Coker

    Seminoles I told ya, pack that ice cuz we

    Bruise too much, you lose too much

    Step in town our fans boo too much

    I guess it’s cuz you run your mouth way too much

    We lose our touch? never that

    If we did, ain’t no problem, the running back’s

    Where our true players at.

    Play action passes in the sky

    Linemen side to side, and Johnson on the fly

    And you still wanna try? Player please

    Mess with me? can’t you see – The OB

    Be jumpin, send your BCS hopes crumbling

    Watch number 2 go, that’s McGahee’s number

    Your team will wanna know. He’s gonna roll

    The line flow down p-izz-at, spot the hole

    Like th-izz-at, dangerous

    To c-izz-atch, leave your ass fl-izz-at

    Copyright (C) 2002, Gatorhater Productions, Inc. (Delaware)

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