The GOP’s divisiveness as so sad it’s hilarious. The Daily Show says it best:
Small town values - hah! What a laugh.
Popularity: 14% [?]
I might just have to go out and buy this edition.
Stewart & Colbert: Exclusive Q&A
In the midst of re-creating the controversial New Yorker cover illustration of Barack and Michelle Obama for the cover photo that graces this week’s print edition of Entertainment Weekly, Jon Stewart stops briefly to pose a taste question. As he stands by the catering table in ‘’secret Muslim” garb, he ponders, ”Would it be weird to be dressed like this and have a bagel, salmon, and a schmear?” Pseudo-blowhard Stephen Colbert has his own worries. Striking his best Michelle-as-Black-Panther pose, he glances at the original cartoon and realizes that he’s ”hippier” than the potential First Lady. Gesturing at his own waist, he moans, ”I could drop a baby like a peasant.”
Popularity: 6% [?]
The Spitzer Scandal was only a few hours old and the Late Night TV writers were hard at work on the Spitzer Jokes:
Daily Show/Colbert News One Liners
Spitzer Swallows
Eliott Mess
Stephen Colbert
Now, the governor was supposed to give a press conference today at 2:15 p.m. but a whole hour passed before he spoke. To be fair, it is daylight savings time and the governor usually has a prostitute change his clocks.
David Letterman
Do you think it’s too soon to be hitting on Mrs. Eliot Spitzer?
Right about now, Spitzer is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem.He even He had yellow crime scene tape draped around his pants.
The thinking now is that the governor may step down now to spend less time with his family.
Letterman’s Top 10 Spitzer Excuses
10. “Oh come on, like you were never involved in a prostitution ring.”
9. “Hookers is fun.”
8. “Just trying to help the economy.”
7. “Have you ever been to Albany?”
6. “It’s part of my new MTV prank show, ‘Spitz’d.’”
5. “Haven’t been myself since Roy Scheider died.”
4. “Uh, tainted beef?”
3. “Whether it’s a hooker or your wife, you’re always paying for – you married fellas know what I’m talking about.”
2. “Wanted to be known as the Charlie Sheen of politics.”
1. “I thought Bill Clinton legalized this years ago.”
Jay Leno
They found the source of all global warming in America: Eliot Spitzer’s pants
Hillary Clinton is now only the second angriest woman in the State of New York
Conan O’Brien
Governor Spitzer — this is the latest — responded just a few hours ago by saying, ‘I violated my obligations to my family and I violated my sense of right and wrong.’ Yes, Spitzer also admitted violating someone named Amber.
More to come, surely!
Videos
More jokes and one-liners from FreeRepublic
Engine Engine #9 Parodies
Mr. Spitzer, Number Nine,
Going down the Northeast Line,
If the whore is on some crack,
Do you want your money back?
Client, client number 9,
Running down the hooker line.
If she knocks you off the track,
Do you want your money back?
Q: What was Governor Spitzer working on with those young ladies?
A:: The State of his Union.
Pictures
”Eliot — PHONE HO”
NJ: At least your govenor is straight.
Spitzer takes a “Wide Stance” on Ethics Issues….
There once was a Govn’r named Spitzer,
Who couldn’t control his own spritzer.
He used his account
For Kristen to mount,
Got caught and it’s too late to diss her.
“Mr. Spitzer left a deposit.”
Will it leave a stain on has career?
PROSTITUTIN’ SPITZ
Tune: Puttin’ on the Ritz
If you’re guv
And wish you knew
Where to get love
Why don’t you do
Like hypocrites
Prostitutin’ Spitz
Girls with names
You find out after
Play their games
And soon you hafta
Call it quits
Prostitutin’ Spitz
Hooked up with a thousand-dollar hooker
Now you’re stuck inside the pressure cooker
Lookin’ snookered
Call-girl tricks
Of pure excitement
Pay for kicks
With your indictment
Paging Fitz
Prosecutin’ Spitz
Unrelated One Liners
You know why Chelsea Clinton is so Ugly? Because Janet Reno is her Father!
I want to “Buy American” but the only things for sale made in the USA are politicians
New York’s Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned today and to make things official, Governor Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York’s Secretary of State. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter, “Dear Penthouse.”
Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as Governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the bright side: Bill Clinton has gained a super wing man.
Conan and Snoop - in the Year 2000
Top Ten Surprises During Eliot Spitzer’s Resignation
10. Entered to the sounds of Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin’”
9. Opening line: “Are you a cop?”
8. Spent two minutes seductively stroking the microphone
7. Reaffirmed his policy of “Bro’s before Ho’s”
6. His decision not to wear pants
5. Admitted he also once made out with former Governor Pataki
4. Credited downfall to fast-paced lifestyle of Albany
3. He was kinda pitchy, dawg
2. Said he thought the Emperor’s Club was a Chinese restaurant
1. When reporters asked how much he paid per hour, his wife said, “Believe me, he doesn’t need an hour”
Top Ten Messages Left on Eliot Spitzer’s Answering Machine
10. Hey, what’s new?
9. It’s Barack Obama. Remember our conversation about being my running mate? Nevermind.
8. Ralph Nader here, glad to hear I’m not the only politician who has to pay for it
7. I’m calling from the ‘New York Post.’ Would you rather be known as ‘Disgraced Gov Perv’ or ‘Humiliated Whore Fiend’?
6. This is John McCain, if it makes you feel better, I once got caught having sex with Lincoln’s wife
5. It’s Dr. Phil, call me if you need any horse**** advice
4. This is Senator Larry Craig. Do you ever go through the Minneapolis airport?
3. It’s Wolf Blitzer. Call me if you ever want a hot Spitzer-Blitzer three-way
2. Paris Hilton here. I would have done it for free
1. It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thanks, I’m no longer America’s creepiest governor
Popularity: 12% [?]
No more crappy gameshows or American Gladiators bores. Our favorites like The Office, Scrubs and Late night TV will be funny again!
Congratulations, writers, on staying strong through a really tough time. We’re thrilled to have you back, and we’re even more thrilled at your winning the contract concessions that you did.
And after doing a show for over a month with no writers, no one is happier than Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert!
Dancing!
Popularity: 5% [?]
Since the Writers’ Strike is preventing me from watching new great episodes of The Daily Show, I was challenged by my buddy Rala to write my own episode of The Daily Show. I suspect Jon and the crew will implement this post haste and cobble together something by… say… Wednesday? Not so much?
Opening segment - rip on Tina Fey for supporting the writers … something like “She looked hotter in glasses” [move to camera 2] Go into the top news story from the Sunday political shows. Bring in John Oliver or Asif Mandvi as a satirical expert. Really - with politics - the jokes write themselves.
Second segment - Flashback segment to The Daily Show from:
Conclude with a brief follow up on those stories: The reinvigorated Democrats still have no balls, John McCain is missing and anyone who’s seen him should call the authorities, and the band Anthrax never changed their name but the War in Iraq did - several times.
Final segment - Guest Tina Fey. Have glasses in gift box on table. Have her talk about SNL and 30 Rock, the strike, and what she really thought of Cleveland. And tell her she’s hot again.
Crosstalk with Colbert - shows empty studio.
Moment of Zen - latest Hillary Clinton faux pas.
How’s that for comedy? Lowest rated show ever? Perhaps.
Popularity: 8% [?]
I’ve always wondered how long conservatives in the current administration and Congress can continue to sell big government and divisiveness as part of the MO of God’s party. Michael Gerson came on The Daily Show recently to promote his book Heroic Conservatism: Why Republicans Need to Embrace America’s Ideals (And Why They Deserve to Fail If They Don’t). As a former Bush speechwriter, his thoughts bore no resemblance to the Cheneyan/Rovian Empire that saw dissent as treason (Valerie Plame) and the poor as collateral damage (Katrina disaster).
Of course, as Gerson says, this ain’t no easy fight. Consider what happened earlier this year when another group of conservatives began embracing environmental issues:
Good Lord. Just when you hoped that extremist Christian political leaders might have learned a lesson from last November’s elections, here they come again — nuttier than a pecan forest.
What’s got them jumping out of their shells is all the fuss about global warming. In particular, they are very upset that so many evangelical ministers and churches have become involved in this crucial environmental issue. The evangelical activists see global warming as a violation of the Biblical injunction to provide good stewardship of God’s green Earth, and they are joining with scientists and others to stop the industrial forces causing the Earth to warm. “Creation Care,” they call it.
But, whoa, this gospel-inspired effort does not suit the agenda of such Christian right-wing political operatives as James Dobson, Gary Bauer, Tony Perkins, and Paul Weyrich. So they sent a letter to the National Association of Evangelicals (which represents 30 million churchgoers), demanding that it hush up.
Always in touch with the people. It will be interesting to see the impact that moderates in both parties will have on the election. Maybe they can finally get a capon some of the loud extremists on both side and practicality can reign once again.
Popularity: 5% [?]
