July 4, 2007

Spookiest TV Show ever

Filed under: TV — La Bestia @ 1:54 am
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Yo mama's so big her belly button's got an echo.

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I wish they’d bring it back to the History Channel

In Search of… 144 Episodes PLUS the two original pilot episodes, In Search of Ancient Mysteries & In Search of Ancient Astronauts, both one hour long and Narrated by Rod Serling.

Episodes:

1 Abominable Snowman: Leonard Nimoy examines the experiences of the explorers who say they have actually sighted the legendary creature.

2 Acupuncture: A study of the healing technique which may cure incurable diseases. Leonard Nimoy investigates the power of the ancient Chinese healing art.

3 Air Disaster Predictions: A study of reports that major air crashes have been seen or predicted beforehand in nightmares. Includes the 1979 crash of American Airlines Flight 191.

4 Amelia Earhart: Run down rumors that the famous aviatrix, who disappeared during a 1937 flight over the Pacific Ocean, was on a spy mission.

5 Amityville Horror: A dream house in a lovely suburb becomes a nightmare when the owners discover an evil presence.

6 Anastasia: An examination of evidence that the youngest daughter of Russia’s Czar Nicholas II survived the family executions, and settled in Charlottesville, Virginia.

7 Ancient Aviators: Are there signs of alien visitation here on earth? Might the mysterious markings on the Nazca Plain in Peru be landing instructions for UFOs?

8 Animal ESP: Dramatic scenes attempt to demonstrate that close communication between people and their pets may be due to more than emotional bonds.

9 Angel of Death: Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal tracks infamous war criminal Dr. Josef Mengele to his hiding place in Paraguay.

10 Astrology: Can astronomical movements affect the affairs of man? Leonard Nimoy as he reviews the long history of astrology and looks at its attraction today.

11 Atlantis: Explores the possibility that 14 huge stone buildings beneath the waters of the Bahamas, and a 2000 year old computer part, are part of the lost empire of Atlantis.

12 Aztec Conquest: Why did the great Montezuma surrender to Cortes without fighting? What part did Aztec legend about a bearded white god play in the ultimate downfall of the Aztec Empire?

13 Bermuda Triangle: Probes a radio broadcast claim that the graveyard of ships and planes is actually a testing area for spacemen.

14 Bermuda Triangle Pirates: Luxurious yachts are disappearing off the coast of Florida. Are pirates trafficking in drugs to blame?

15 Bigfoot: An evaluation of giant footprints and other evidence that some believe prove that the half-man, half-animal creature really exists.

16 Bimini Wall: The saga of the giant stones found at the bottom of the Caribbean. Leonard Nimoy probes whether they might be part of the ancient, supposedly mythical, empire of Atlantis.

17 Biofeedback: A revealing study of how computers are now healing the sick and building sports champions.

18 Bishop Pike: Was Bishop Pike a minister, martyr, or madman?

19 Brain Power: A study of the incredible hidden potential of the human mind, including the possibility that average people can become geniuses.

20 Butch Cassidy: Examines the possibility that Butch Cassidy was not killed in Bolivia along with the Sundance Kid, but actually lived a full life and died peacefully in 1937.

21 Call from Space: Can the space technologies that discovered other galaxies help us communicate with other life?

22 Castle of Secrets: The saga of the Coral Castle, said to have been built by a frail hermit who carved and lifted 3 million pound solid stone blocks using the secrets of Atlantis.

23 Carlos, The World’s Most Wanted Man: A chilling profile of the playboy-turned-terrorist, called Carlos the Jackal who was called “The World’s Most Wanted Man.”

24 Cloning: An in-depth look at the process which may allow us to “copy” people exactly and produce single-parent human beings.

25 Chinese Explorers: Did the Chinese discover America 1,000 years before Columbus? Leonard Nimoy explores evidence that a Buddhist monk named Hu-Shen arrived on the American continent in 458 A.D.

26 Coming Ice Age: An inquiry into whether the dramatic weather changes in America’s northern states mean that a new ice age is approaching.

27 Cryogenics: Scientists are discovering new methods to prolong human life and, in the case of cryogenics, to suspend the possibility of life for centuries.

28 Dark Star: Travel to Africa to find out why a primitive tribe knows so much about astronomy, a black hole, and travelers from outer space.

29 D.B. Cooper: The incredible story of the man who hijacked a jetliner, parachuted out with his loot, and was never seen again.

30 Dead Sea Scrolls: The story of the 2,000-year-old scrolls, discovered by a shepherd, that revolutionized religious thought.

31 Deadly Ants: A look at the billions of fire ants that march across the southern United States and the failure so far of all attempts to stop them.

32 Deadly Volcanoes: Scientists wonder whether California’s Mount Shasta, Washington’s Mount St. Helens, and other American volcanoes will soon erupt again.

33 Daredevil Death Wish: A look at some of the impossible stunts daredevils attempt, and why they keep trying even after suffering near-fatal injuries.

34 Death of Marilyn Monroe: Examines evidence that suggests that the Hollywood star may not have committed suicide.

35 Diamond Curse: Why do mystery and tragedy plague the owners of great gems like the Hope Diamond?

36 Dracula: Investigates Count Vlad’s castle in Romania to determine if he could have been the original Dracula of Bram Stoker fame.

37 Earth Visitors: Were our earliest ancestors travelers from other planets?

38 Earthquakes: An examination of the techniques scientists are developing to study seismic activity and predict quakes.

39 Easter Island Massacre: Provides answers to the mysteries of how 70-ton giant stones came to the remote island and who might have destroyed some of them.

40 Elephant Man: From side-show freak to the friend of royalty, review the true, story of Joseph Merrick.

41 End of the World: Will an asteroid or comet on a collision course with earth end it all?

42 Eva Braun: Explores the possibility that Adolf Hitler’s wife may not have died with him down in the bunker that day in 1945.

43 Faith Healing: Is faith healing hoax or holistic medicine?

44 Firewalkers: How do people walk on red-hot coals without being burned?

45 Fountain of Youth: A look at the various scientific ways people use to stay young for years longer.

46 Future Life: Jump ahead in time to the year 2010 and see what the world may be like for our children.

47 Garden of Eden: Using the Old Testament as a road map, researchers attempt to trace the possible site of the original Garden to India, China, and an island off the coast of Saudi Arabia.

48 Ghosts: Studies specters and a parapsychologist’s theory that they are troubled earthbound souls in need of help.

49 Ghost Ship: In 1872, the captain and crew of the Mary Celeste vanished without a trace. The sails were set to the wind and breakfast was on the table. Who or what possessed the ship?

50 Ghostly Stakeout: In a haunted house, a psychic team contacts troubled spirits that live on after death.

51 Ghosts in Photography: Is it possible to photograph the dead?

52 Glenn Miller: An inquiry into why the mysterious death of the great musician was never investigated, and a possible military coverup.

53 Great Lakes Triangle: Investigates efforts by scientists and psychics to discover the mysterious forces around the Great Lakes that have caused more air and sea disasters than the Bermuda Triangle.

54 Great Lovers: A look at some of history’s famous lovers. What drove certain men to pursue sensual pleasure above all else?

55 Great Wall of China: The story of the one of the world’s greatest wonders - who built it and why?

56 Haunted Castles: Probe into one of the world’s most haunted places.

57 Hindenburg Mystery: A probe into the theory that the famed Nazi “lighter-than-air” ship, which exploded while landing at Lakehurst, New Jersey, in 1937, was destroyed by political saboteurs.

58 Hiroshima Survivors: A revealing study of the wounds suffered by survivors of the first A-bomb blast, which killed more than 80,000 Japanese civilians on August 6, 1945.

59 Holy Grail: Explores the claims that the chalice used by Jesus at the Last Supper may have been found.

60 Houdini’s Secrets: Probes the still-mysterious secrets of the world’s greatest escape artist, including the theory that Houdini came back after death.

61 Human Aura: A look at the multi-colored rays we transmit, which seem to change with our moods.

62 Hurricanes: Take a close-up look at these violent killers that have taken the lives of hundreds of thousands of people. Can they be controlled or prevented?

63 Hypnosis: A look back at the great scientist Mesmer, whose hypnotic techniques are being used in modern surgery, teaching, and police investigations (see also Learning ESP)

64 Immortality: Looks at scientific discoveries of new methods of prolonging human life, such as cryonics, which can suspend life for centuries.

65 Inca Treasures: Camera crews accompany a Peruvian excavation party in quest of a great Inca city believed lost for 300 years.

66 Indian Astronomers: Recent excavations in southern Illinois provide tantalizing glimpses at Native-American use of astronomy.

67 Immortal Sharks: Why has the great white shark not evolved as other animals have? Leonard Nimoy hosts this look at this most ancient and primitive creature.

68 Jack the Ripper: An investigative report that seeks to determine whether Jack the Ripper, one of the world’s most notorious killers, was second in line to the British throne.

69 Jesse James: Probes one of the most intriguing questions of the Old West–was legendary gunman Jesse James shot in the back or did he escape capture and live to a ripe old age?

70 Jimmy Hoffa: Probes the disappearance of the union boss with mob connections. Was he killed, kidnapped, or did he go underground?

71 Jim Jones: The story that shocked the world–how Jim Jones, the cult Svengali from California, convinced over 900 of his followers to follow him into suicide.

72 John the Baptist: An investigation to determine whether the great holy man’s remains are in Europe or Egypt

73 Killer Bees: A photographic report from Brazil on the behavior of the bees and genetic experiments underway to stop the savage swarms from reaching the U.S.

74 King Tut: Investigates the ancient Egyptian monarch’s final days. Was he a beloved leader who died a natural death or did court intrigues lead to his assassination?

75 Laugh Therapy: Can laughter combat disease? A Nobel-prize winner says he cured himself after doctors gave up hope.

76 Learning ESP: Do the powers of extrasensory perception really exist, and can they be taught?

77 Lee Harvey Oswald: The assassination of John F. Kennedy: was there visual proof of two guns in Dallas and possibly two Oswalds?

78 Life after Death: A visit to a soul research institute for firsthand accounts of people who claim they have died and come back to life.

79 Life after Life: The stories of people who claim they have had after-life experiences and say they no longer fear death.

80 Life Before Birth: Is an unborn baby aware of the world around him?

81 Lindbergh Kidnapping: Digs for the facts behind the controversy that still rages today, the kidnapping of Charles Lindbergh’s baby. Was the wrong man executed for the crime?

82 Lincoln Conspiracy: Cracks “the case of the 19th century” - how the assassination of Abraham Lincoln was meticulously planned and abominably executed.

83 Loch Ness Monster: A hunt for leviathan who has so far eluded all expeditions to prove that it truly exists.

84 Lost Dutchman Mine: An investigation into why hundreds of gold hunters have died searching for a lost treasure ever since a Dutch prospector wandered out of Arizona’s Superstition Mountains in the 1860s. Is there really cursed gold hidden there, as Apache lore suggests?:

85 Lost Vikings: The story of Viking Erik the Red’s descendants, who left Scandinavia and arrived in northern Canada centuries before Columbus.

86 RMS Lusitania: An in-depth examination into the sinking of the British liner by a German submarine in 1915, killing over 1,000 passengers, including 114 Americans. Was it really all part of a plot to involve the U.S. in World War I?

87 Man Who Would Not Die: The fascinating saga of the Count of Saint-Germain, who dazzled the courts of Europe for over 100 years, leading some to believe he was immortal.

88 Martians: Offers the theory that the Red Planet is dying of climate changes and suggests that Earth may face a similar fate.

89 Mayan Mysteries: The Mayans of Mexico carved an advanced civilization out of the jungles, then disappeared. Where did they come from? Where did they go?

90 Mexican Pyramids: The bloody story of the great pyramids, which were used for daily human sacrifices.

91 Missing in actions: An investigation into a highly controversial and emotional question: Are American servicemen still lingering in prison in Vietnam?

92 Michael Rockefeller: Did he drown or was he murdered? An investigation into the disappearance of Nelson Rockefeller’s youngest son who vanished without a trace among some of the most primitive peoples in the world. Film found in a camera suggested they were the victim of headhunters, or was it staged?

93 Missing Heirs: There is still a $3.2 million dollar fortune that remains unclaimed after a century. To whom does it belong?

94 Missing Link: Delves into one of the most intriguing questions of all–which side is right, the evolutionists or creationists?

95 Money Pit Mystery: A true tale of hidden treasure and mysterious death. Six people have died in the scramble to dig up the Oak Island treasures, supposedly buried by Captain Kidd.

96 Monster Hunters: Leonard Nimoy investigates what compels scientists and teachers to pursue a man-like beast in Northern California.

97 Moon Madness: Violence and passion are commonplace when the moon is full. Is there any truth to the Werewolf legends? Leonard Nimoy hosts this historical look at lunacy.

98 Mummy’s Curse: Probes the claim that a protective curse on King Tut’s tomb accounted for a chain of mysterious deaths.

99 Nazi Plunder: Pursues the rumor of Nazi plunder worth billions and a 30-year old track that could lead to it.

100 Nightmares and Dreams: Our dreams provide clues to the dark world of our unconscious mind, but can we learn to control them?

101 Noah’s Flood: A dramatic inquiry into whether or not scientific proof exists for the legend of the Great Flood.

102 Nostradamus: Examines the life of Nostradamus and his predictions.

103 Ogopogo Monster: This large beast, similar to Scotland’s Loch Ness Monster, has claimed to been seen by thousands of people in western Canada.

104 Other Voices: Examines groundbreaking experiments that show the possibility that plants respond to people’s thoughts

105 Past Lives: Can reincarnation be proved? Leonard Nimoy examines the data, testimony, and theories.

106 Psychic Detectives: Meet a unique scientific detective squad that uses E.S.P. as an effective crime-solving tool

107 Psychic Sea Hunt: A team of psychics gives scientists the exact description and location of an unknown shipwreck, and a submarine hunt proves them right

108 Pompeii: This great Roman city was a wealthy resort and mecca for fun-lovers before it was destroyed by the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. Were early Christians among the Roman revelers?

109 Pyramid Secrets: Examines the theory that the pyramids of Egypt were built to provide shelter from a holocaust, not as tombs for the pharaohs.

110 Reincarnation: Reviews case histories of people who claim to have lived in previous lifetimes.

111 Lost Colony of Roanoke: A look at new evidence which offers an intriguing theory about where the colonists went.

112 Salem Witches: Are the witches of Salem still casting spells in Massachusetts?

113 San Andreas Fault: Analyzes California’s great earthquake fault line to determine whether the long-predicted catastrophic quake can be predicted.

114 Secrets of Life: Explores the possibility that human life can be created in laboratories engaged in DNA research.

115 Shark Worshippers: A trip to remote parts of the Pacific where man-eating sharks are considered gods. Adults pray to them and children swim unafraid among them.

116 Sherlock Holmes: A look at surprising new clues that indicate the famed super sleuth actually did exist, after a fashion.

117 Shroud of Turin: An in-depth examination of the famed cloth that many believe holds the image of Jesus Christ.

118 Siberian Fireball: Studies the evidence that the earth experienced a mysterious atomic blast 37 years before the development of the A-bomb.

119 Sodom and Gomorrah: Studies evidence developed by archaeologists suggesting that the two wicked cities existed on the site of a crater now filled in by the Dead Sea.

120 King Solomon’s Mines: A look at one of the most exciting searches of all - the hunt for the riches of the Old Testament. Did King Solomon actually have a mine near Mount Sinai?

121 Spirit Voices: Do loved ones call back to us from their next lives? Leonard Nimoy examines historical claims of voices from the beyond, as well as scientific research into the possibility of spirit voices.

122 Magic of Stonehenge: Suggests the Druid landmark could be the source of a mysterious power that might hold all of Britain in a strange magnetic force field.

123 Strange Visitors: Was Oracle Chamber, which lies beneath New Hampshire’s Mystery Hill, built by ancient Phoenicians who traveled to the continent thousands of years ago?

124 Super Children: Investigates scientific efforts to produce a generation of child prodigies; are they born or made?

125 Sun Worshippers: Will solar energy free us from dependence on foreign oil? Leonard Nimoy analyzes how solar energy stacks up against fossil fuel and nuclear energy.

126 Swamp Monster: An investigation of reports that a huge man-like beast is living in the swamps of Louisiana’s bayou.

127 The Ten Commandments: Leonard Nimoy profiles Moses and tries to pinpoint Mount Sinai’s exact location. Have pilgrims to the Holy Land been praying at the wrong location?

128 Tidal Waves: See a reenactment of the incredible destruction wrought by the tsunami (giant sea wave) that struck Hawaii in 1960

129 Time and Space Travel: Is it possible to travel through space faster than the speed of light and avoid aging.

130 Titanic: Investigates the most perplexing question about the 1912 North Atlantic disaster that cost 1,517 lives: Why did the captain ignore the ice warnings and speed on into oblivion?

131 Tornadoes: A terrifying look at one of nature’s deadliest forces. Tornadoes can swallow up buildings and people without a trace - can they be stopped?

132 Tower of London Murder: How the destiny of England was changed by the disappearance of young prince’s from the fabled Tower.

133 Troy: The story of Heinrich Schliemann, an eccentric who went looking for the famed city and discovered not one, but nine ancient cities in Turkey.

134 UFOs: An evaluation of reports by people who have seen “saucers”, and the growing body of evidence that America is regularly being visited by UFOs.

135 UFO Australia: Actual film footage of unidentified flying objects flying Down Under. Includes interview with New Zealand pilot and author, Bruce Cathie.

136 UFO Captives: Meet people who believe they have been held captive aboard alien spacecraft - close encounters of the fourth kind.
137 UFO Cover-Ups: Examines charges that the U.S. air force is hiding alien corpses in Ohio.

138 Ultimate Disaster: Delves into the ultimate question–how will life on this planet perish?

139 Van Gogh: A look at the life and death of the great Dutch master - was he really mad?

140 Voodoo: Experience an actual voodoo rite, and meet a priest dedicated to disarming its effects.

141 Walls of Jericho: The great Biblical saga is examined for evidence that the walls really did tumble down for Joshua.

142 Water Seekers: Scientists take another look at the divining rod. Does water emit valuable signals?

143 Wild Children: When raised by animals, can children survive in civilization? Leonard Nimoy examines several historical cases.

144 Witch doctors: Leonard Nimoy hosts this look at ancient folk medicines that are being reinstituted today in modern mental institutions and are yielding positive results

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August 31, 2006

A Chicks’ Guide To Football

Yo mama's so big when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody.

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Given the time of year and the relative number of hot mamacitas on that read this blog, I decided to write something that you can all use:

A Chicks Guide To Watching Football

I’m going to make you understand football - to break it down like a fraction so never again will you be stumped as to WTF is going on out there on that screen that your man is glued to like flies on shit. In true UML style, let’s begin with the actors.

ACTORS RESPONSIBILITIES
The Game Of Football It’s not as much about the hitting and running as you might think. At the NFL level especially, they’re all pretty much equally talented. Here it’s all about confidence, motivation, and smarts. It’s a chess match of sorts.
Football Players They are the ones who actually go out and do the hitting. Most sound like dumb jocks, and outside their “area of expertise” and they pretty much are, but a lot will surprise you and the kind of stuff they have to know is not easy. Age ranges from 22 to the mid 30s
Football Head Coach More often than not, the guy yelling and giving the pep talk speeches and making sure all the players are mentally ready. Usually a guy in his 40s, 50s, or 60s. Almost all are crotchety because if they lose, the city, the media, the owner, and e’erybody on talk radio will be on their ass!
Football Coordinators There’s one for offense, one for defense, and one for special teams. The offense and defense guys actually stay up in one of the booths in the stadium so they can see things happen and prepare their next move. Chess Match. They communicate down to the field and into the QB’s helmet with a radio.
General Managers, Presidents These are the behind the scenes guys who make it happen. They have to sign new players, draft them from college, and make sure they aren’t losing money. You wonder why teams are always clamoring for new stadiums? It’s because new stadiums gives them new ways to make money. I’m sure pretty soon you’re gonna see commercials in the toilet!
Owners The fat cats. Used to be these things were family owned, but now it’s become so competitive that the only ones who can afford teams now are multi-millionaires and billionaires who made their money in other businesses and use the team part as a plaything, but also part as another fun way to make money.
Fans at the stadium Man, I don’t know the last time you went to an NFL game, but it is EXPENSIVE. There’s the traffic to get there. The parking which is ridiculous. The food and concession prices which are more than at the movies. And then there’s the ticket prices. OMFG. Yet some people shell out money to buy season tickets. Die hards these people are. I am not. I’ll do it for my college team (an order of magnitude cheaper), but not for the pros.
Fans watching on TV These can be anywhere, at home in the city where the team is, at a local bar, or maybe cheering on from some other city watching on DirecTV’s NFL Package. These guys are slowly but surely converting from watching on the cheap 20 inchers that I have to glorious High Definition sets where you can see the sweat fall through the facemasks. For some people it’s important. Gives you the feeling that you’re into the game, fulfilling all your fantasies of being that sports star and rekindling the fading memories of the day you scored 4 touchdowns for Polk High.
Fantasy Football Fans Fantasy Football has been described as the D&D for football fans. It’s basically a game where a bunch of guys get together and pick certain players from different teams who they think will do well throughout the season and keep a score of how many yards they got, how many touchdowns they scored, etc. The guy with the most points wins. Yay! I think it adds a new dimension to games that you wouldn’t normally watch.


HOW DID FOOTBALL COME ABOUT

ImageWhile many similar games have been played throughout history, Football as we knew it started out in England at various academic institutions using different rules. Traditionally the foot was used to advance the ball but there were rules where you could catch the ball as well before scoring. At one such school in the city of Rugby, England, the rules were such that you could throw the ball around to teammates before getting tackled. After a while it was decided to standardize the rules under an association, and the Football Association was born (1863). And that’s when the big schism happened in football, as the two main types of football were divided into the association rules and the rugby rules. Association was eventually shortened to assoc and that’s where the name Soccer comes from, as in “you’re either a Soccer or a Rugger.” From there football spread in its various forms to Aussie Rules in Australia, Gaelic Football in Ireland and Gridiron football in America.

Gridiron football (played in the NFL, NCAA and the Canadian Football League) is a descendant from the rugby rules, modified somewhat. They call it gridiron because of all the lines painted across the field. The first football game in America is said to be the Princeton vs Yale game in 1869 playing mostly the soccer style. But it was Haaaaahvard University that, in a game against McGill U of Canada, played the rubgy style for the first time in 1875. Harvard convinced the other schools in late 1876 that Rugby Rules were the way to go.

ImageSo what happened? Changes in the game were introduced over time. The rugby scrum became a scrimmage, some of the more dangerous elements were eliminated, and it became legal to throw the ball forward instead of kicking it. Clearly, they were onto something with the throwing because they decided to make the ball slimmer to accommodate slimmer hands, allowed for more substitution (which eventually lead to specialization of players for offense and defense) and introduced all sorts of rules to make it more enticing to throw the ball and less enticing to run or kick. And that’s why football hardly uses the foot anymore.

HOW DO YOU PLAY?

ImageEach team can have no more than 11 players on the field at a time. The field is 100 yards long and about 50 yards wide. At each end is what’s called an endzone that’s 10 yards deep. Behind each endzone is a goalpost that’s about 10 yards wide and about 15 feet off the ground. The basic intent of football is to score more points than the other team. A touchdown (running the ball or catching it in the endzone) gives you 6points and a field goal (kicking it through the goal posts) gives you 3. After every touchdown, you can try for an extra point by kicking, or for 2 points by running or passing. Kicking it is almost automatic and is taken for granted. Running or passing is not and is usually saved for only when you’re down at the end of the game.

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The game is 60 minutes long divided into 4 quarters of 15 minutes each. Teams switch sides after each quarter. A kickoff happens at the start of the first and third quarters, as well as after every score. The kickoff is basically just kicking the ball to the other team so they can run it back and get tackled. When you have the ball, you send your offense out - the offense includes the quarterback, running backs, receivers, and blockers. In order to keep the ball they have to make first downs, i.e. move 10 yards down the field. Because teams are usually chicken shit, if they haven’t made the 10 yards after 3 tries (also called downs) they’ll kick (punt) the ball to the other team so as not to make it easy for them to score. The defense will prevent them from scoring, getting a first down or maybe even try to get the ball from them with an interception (catching the ball from the other teams quarterback) or causing a fumble (losing possession of the ball while running).

OFFENSIVE POSITIONS

ImageQuarterback(QB) - The main guy on offense he calls the plays, directs the team, and distributes the ball. Peyton Manning and Michael Vick are QBs.

Running Back (RB) - The guy behind the QB who runs with the ball. These guys take a beating every play because when they’re not running, they’re blocking guys from getting to the QB. Includes Fullback,Halfback. Reggie Bush, Larry Johnson, and Ladanian Tomlinson are examples.

Wide Receiver (WR) - the skinny, fast guys who lineup away from all the action, and run down the field and catch the ball form the quarterback. These are the divas of the team. Includes Flanker, Split End, Slot Receiver. Randy Moss, T.O. and Chad Johnson are examples.

Offensive Linemen (OL)
- These guys block. They’re the biggest guys on the field usually. When the running back runs, they run out ahead and clear a path. When the QB is going to throw, they protect him from being hit. These are the guys that do the dirty work so others can shine. There are 2 tackles on the outside, 2 guards and a center in the middle. The center hikes (snaps) the ball. The rule is - you have to use these 5. No variations, but you can bring in extra if you alert the referee. Kyle Turley is the only name I think people would recognize.

ImageTightEnd (TE) - These guys catch the ball and block. Jeremy Shockey and Antonio Gates are TEs.

The standard offense would be to have 2 WRs, 1 TE, 5 OL, 1 QB, and 2 RBs for a total of 11.

DEFENSIVE POSITIONS

Defensive Linemen (DL) - These guys are the biggest guys on defense.They are the ones who take on the offensive linemen, sack the quarterback (tackle him behind the line of scrimmage) and tackle the running backs. You will not see these guys chasing wide receivers toooften. Includes Ends and Tackles. Michael Strahan and Dwight Freeney are linemen.

Image


Linebackers (LB)
- The jacks of all trades on defense. The Middle Linebacker is usually called the defensive quarterback - he looks over the offense and calls the plays for the defense. Linebackers do everything from covering receivers (preventing or making it hard for them to catch balls) to chasing running backs to going after the quarterback. Includes Inside or Middle and Outside linebackers. Teddy Bruschi, Zach Thomas and Ray Lewis are linebackers.

Defensive Backs (DB) - They cover the receivers and knock down passes,and sometimes try to intercept the ball. They’re the skinny, fast ones.Includes Safeties and Cornerbacks. Troy Palomalu, Ed Reed and Champ Bailey are DBs.

The standard defense would include 4 DL, 3 LBs, and 4 DBs, or 3 DL, 4 LBs, and 4 DBs.

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STRATEGY AND PLAYCALLING

How do you approach a game? Well it’s simple. There’s the David approach - try to be the faster, quicker team (usually when you have smaller quicker players) or the Goliath approach - where you throw your weight around and make the other team say Uncle. On offense the Goliath approach would mean running the ball more and basically making it a violent but low scoring game where the opposing team’s defense gets tired and other team’s offense doesn’t get on the field for long stretches of time. Football is a game of momentum, and wearing someone down slowly and methodically is a very big mental edge. It breeds confidence in your team and fear and intimidation in the other team.Kinda like what Bush did to the ‘Merican public around 2002.

I-offense playTo use the Goliath approach on offense you’d use more tight ends and less receivers. And you’d use your bigger running backs who can take a beating. To use it on defense, you’d have more defensive linemen and linebackers and less defensive backs.

ImageBut there’s always the lightening quick approach, where if you have the faster players, you go for broke and start throwing the ball all over the place trying for a big play. In this case, on offense you’d have more receivers - sometimes as many as 5. On defense, you’d have less DL and LBs and more DBs who can intercept and knock down passes, but not tackle as well.

The playcalls themselves are a whole ‘nother ball of wax. They’re coded based on different philosophies. Some use numbers and actions, others use names. 32 Dive above shows a running play. Some passing plays call the receivers X, Y, and Z. So the playcall will be something like X cross Y post Z screen. But thisĀ  like high school. In the NFL it’s much much more complicated where common routes get hybrid names like Sluggo (slant and go) and Smash (inside / outside combination).

OTHER PHRASES YOU NEED TO KNOW

Turnover - when you fumble the ball and the other team gets it, when you throw an interception, or when you don’t punt and can’t make the 10 yards for the first down it’s called a turnover. Also missing a field goal is considered a turnover. Backpedal/Dropback - this is when the QB slides away from the center and before he throws the ball. A bad dropback almost ALWAYS results in a bad pass and is very important to the Quarterback

Line of Scrimmage - it’s the spot on the field where each play, or down, starts from. It’s where everyone lines up and it’s the linen either team can cross before the ball is snapped.

Blitz - this happens when the defense sends a linebacker or a defensive back after the QB. Blitzes are so commonplace nowadays that offenses have complex schemes to protect them and receivers have to look out so they run a different route (blitz breakoff) so the QB can throw the ball to them quickly.

Instant Replay - if the referees make a call that the coach doesn’t agree with, the coach can challenge it and the referee will have to look at the instant replay to see if the call was correct. But if the call doesn’t get reversed, then the coach loses a time out.

West Coast Offense - this was started by Bill Walsh with the 49ers and is basically a strategy (more David than Goliath) of using short passes instead of long passes and running the ball. It’s so complex that it is ties the QBs footwork with each receivers routes, so that the receiver is supposed to be at a spot on each step of the QBs backpedal. It is also designed to let the receivers catch the ball and make lots of yards running after the catch (YAC or RAC). Freaky but effective when done right.

Down and Distance - 1st and 10 or 2nd a 3 -indicates how many plays left to get a first down, and how far (in yards) they need to get it.

Huddle - before the play the offense bunches up in a circle and the QB tells them the play they’re going to run. These plays are called by the coordinator based on the situation in the game, the score, the down and distance, and the players that the defense has in. Chess Match.

Audible - do you see all that barking the QB does when he get up to the line of scrimmage? Well if they play that he called in the huddle looks like it’s going to fail based on how the defense lines up, the QB will call an audible - which is basically a code word that each of the offense knows so that they do something different. Usually it involves turning a running play into a passing play but sometimes can mean telling a receiver to run to the left instead of the right.

Division and Conferences - the NFL is actually the result of many mergers of football leagues. With these mergers, there developed two conferences with 3 divisions with teams from all over. A few years ago they realigned the conferences and divisions so that there is a North, South, East and West division for each conference. The cities and states that have more than one team usually have them in different conferences. For example - the NY Giants and the NY Jets are in different conferences. And the schedule rotates so that every team will play each other at least once every 4 years.

Backfield - the area behind the offensive linemen. Tackling the QB in the backfield while he’s trying to throw is called a sack.

Touchback - when one team kicks to another team, if the ball goes into their endzone and is not advanced, it’s called a touch back and the ball is placed on the 20 yard line.

Safety - when an offensive player is trying to run the ball out of or pass the ball from the endzone (i. e. not the one they’re trying to score in) and gets tackled, it’s 2 points for the other team and called a safety (not to be confused with the position of safety)

Play-Action - occurs when the offense acts like it’s going to run and end up passing. They do it to fool the linebackers and safeties into going one direction hoping that they’ll leave someone uncovered for the QB to throw to. Peyton Manning does this a lot.

Fair Catch - when you punt the ball the guy receiving can waive his hands in the air before catching - signaling that he wants a fair catch - where he won’t run and can’t be tackled. The next play will start from the spot where he caught the ball.

Play Clock - the offense has 40 seconds between the time the last play finishes and the next play needs to start. If you run out of time on the play clock, the offense will be assessed a 5 yard penalty.

Forward Progress - in order to prevent injuries, there’s a rule that once a runner’s forward progress is stopped, the play is over and is whistled dead. But it also has the effect of giving the runner the best spot even if he runs to a point then gets pushed back 5 yards.


THE BUSINESS OF THE NFL

ImageThe league has 32 teams and the season is 16 games long - spread out over 17 weeks. Why 17? So they can have an extra week of making money.That’s a total of 256 games per season plus 11 playoff games. With a full schedule for the week, there are 14 games on Sunday during the day on CBS and Fox, one Sunday Night game on NBC, and one Monday Night game on ESPN. Sometimes they’ll have games on Thursday, sometimes 2 on Monday, sometimes on Saturday and then of course there’s Thanksgiving. Some of those Thursday games will be on the NFL Network - so make sure you can get it - it’s 212 on DirecTV. Then there’s the Sunday Ticket. ImageIt really is God’s gift to the football fan. You can watch every game on Sunday live, and on one channel you can watch 4 at a time and there’s one channel where it moves in and out from game to game. Mind you - in order to not get screwed you need to make sure your billing address is not near major CBS or FOX affiliates or within 75 miles of an NFL stadium because if it is they will NOT show any game that’s been blacked out locally and they will NOT show you the game scheduled to be on your local affiliate even though the local station can change the game they’re showing at any time - a major fan watching loophole.

ImageHow does the NFL make money? Well football being once a week doesn’t inundate you with meaningless games during the regular season and gives a chance for the hype machine to work in between games, building intrigue. The NFL teams all split evenly the money they receive from TV rights fees and merchandising. So how do the owners make money? With the stadium.When they can sell tickets for $50 a pop at the cheapest, and $10 to park and $5 for a hot dog and $6 for a beer - it’s easy to make money. The newer stadiums all have luxury boxes - air conditioned rooms with a great view of the field for the corporate big wigs to go chill in and sip brandy (maybe even with Brandy). Those things command a pretty penny and the teams with old stadiums are always looking for ways to scam the town into paying for upgrades and renovations so they can find more revenue streams (you hear that San Diego). They always threaten to leave the town for LA which, remarkably has NO NFL TEAM cuz they just don’t care about football in LA.

So to force you to go to the games, they instituted what’s called a blackout rule. Any TV affiliate with a reach inside 75 miles from an NFL stadium cannot show that game locally if it’s not sold out 72 hours before kickoff. So if I lived in Ft. Pierce, Florida and I wanted to watch the Miami Dolphins game on, say, WPEC in West Palm Beach Florida- I’m SOL. ImageSame thing with Charger fans in LA and Iggles, Giants and Jets fans in central NJ (if any of those teams ever didn’t sell out).

FOOTBALL FANS

Professional football started out in the midwest and then the northeast - and fans in Cleveland, Philly, New York and Green Bay are legendary for their rabidness (yes - if they bite you go directly to the ER stat). Tailgating and going to games there is as ingrained as breathing. Conversely in the south the love for football is usually around high school and especially college football, where the drinking and spitooing that doesn’t occur in a NASCAR infield happens the day before and day of a college football game. The pro teams in the south are relatively newer and not as rabidly supported - same on the west coast.

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ImageSUPER BOWL

The Super Bowl is the championship game played every year in late January or early February. It’s not usually the best game, but it has the best commercials because everyone is watching. ImageIt’s not as watched as the World Cup Final, but when you consider that really no other country except Canada has a high profile gridiron football league, getting the worldwide viewership it gets is pretty good. Super Bowl commercials are the most expensive in the US because they’ll get the most attention. It was Apple that announced itself to the world with it’s famous commercial about the Macintosh. And who can forget the Budweiser Frogs or the Bud Bowl.

 

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT

You’re either 10 times smarter now, or more confused that Michael Jackson in a girls scouts meeting.

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