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Absorbs Heavy Flow of Data, Says Jobs

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) – In the same week that it launched its much-touted iPad, Apple introduced its latest game-changer to the tech marketplace, a text-sharing device called the CoTex.

“There are a lot of texting devices out there that can absorb data,” said Apple founder Steve Jobs.  “But nothing absorbs more than a CoTex.”

Mr. Jobs said that when used in conjunction with Apple’s just-released mobile device, the AllWays StayFree, “the CoTex has what it takes to handle a heavy flow of information.”

When asked about the flurry of new products that Apple has released at the end of January, Mr. Jobs mused, “I guess it’s that time of the month.”

Elsewhere, a new poll shows that 90 percent of Republicans who did not hear President Obama’s State of the Union address disagreed with it.

oh dear lol

Okay, we obviously can’t confirm this, but we just got two very interesting images of what certainly looks like a prototype Apple tablet, or what could be the tablet bolted down to a table. It’s big — really big — and it’s running what clearly looks like an iPhone app, although we’ve never seen an iPhone app with that interface or at that resolution before. We also see a WiFi icon and a cell service indicator, although tragically there’s no carrier listed. As far as fakes go, this is as convincing as it gets, so either this is the real deal or someone deserves a hearty congratulations.

On a totally separate note, we also received a tip claiming to have some specs — we can’t verify any of this either, but we’re told that the device will have a 10-inch screen and look like a larger iPhone with a MacBook-like aluminum back, and that pricing will run $800 on contract with Verizon and $1000 without when it arrives in March. We’re also told that the official name remains a secret and that Apple employees are still calling it by the codename of “K48″ — a name we last heard in May from the same source that pegged the iPhone 3GS exactly. This source also tells us that the iPhone will be coming to Verizon as well and that we’ll see iLife ‘10 tomorrow, but there won’t be any MacBook updates. A relatively safe set of predictions — which is why we sort of believe them.

Just 13 hours to go — we’ll find out if any of this is the real deal soon enough.

Update: Based on some rough measurements, that screen does appear to be between 9- and 10-inches diagonal. Additionally, it looks as though there could be a front-facing camera on the opposite side of the home button (up top in these photos) due to that cutout section, though the images are really too grainy to know for certain.

KNEW I shouldn’t get my hopes up.

Fifa 2010 World Cup: Where’s The Risk?

In today’s world, any prominent event carries a degree of risk, and there are also risk factors specific to South Africa that could still pose challenges to event organisers, state security services, sponsors and spectators. After considering various scenarios and trends, Pasco’s team of political and security risk analysts have identified the following key risks for FIFA2010:

1. Terrorism

2. Crime

3. Electricity Supply

4. Transport

5. Spectator Violence

Is South Africa a 2010 SWC terror risk?

Nicholls insists that the Cabinda attack poses no direct or immediate threat to FIFA2010. “The statements and reactions in some sectors of the foreign media reflect a lack of understanding of geo-political risk in Africa”, he comments. Cabinda is an exclave of Angola, situated more than 2,000 kilometers from South Africa, with no direct border contact. Cabinda has been a decades long seat of regional tension that heightens around events that will attract international attention, such as general elections and sporting tournaments. Not only do insurgent groups operating in Cabinda have no known operational connections to South Africa, but the sophistication, level and depth of security measures in place around FIFA 2010 is world’s apart to security for the Africa Cup event. “One can never say definitively that there will not be an incident”. Nicholls states, “but realistically considered the risks are significantly lower than those associated with Cabinda. Also, it should be noted that risks at venues in Angola itself are considerably lower than those in Cabinda”.