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December 31, 2004

Humor from December 2004

Filed under: Hardly Newsworthy, Humor — Tags: , — webadmin @ 9:02 pm


 


Top 10 Infidelity News Stories of 2004

Lifestyle Publilcations

Infidelity was a hot topic for the year 2004. Infidelity expert, Ruth Houston picks the Top 10 Infidelity News Stories of 2004. “Infidelity is one of those hot topics that’s always in the news,” says author and infidelity expert Ruth Houston. “especially when a celebrity or prominent person is involved. It’s also a recurring theme for movies and top-rated TV shows. As a frequently-quoted infidelity expert, I make it a point to monitor all news stories about infidelity or extramarital affairs. ” Here are Ruth’s picks for the top 10 infidelity news stories of 2004. Newsweek’s Expose on Cheating Wives Newsweek’s cover story on “The New Infidelity” turned the spotlight on the increase in female infidelity, revealing that the rate of female infidelity is fast approaching that of men. With more women working outside the home, workplace infidelity poses the biggest threat. Genes and Female Infidelity A United Kingdom study headed by Professor Tim Spector, director of the Twin Research Unit at St Thomas’ Hospital in London suggests that genetic factors may influence female infidelity and the number of sex partners women have. The Scott Peterson Trial Sentenced to death by lethal injection for the murder of his pregnant wife, Laci, and Connor, their unborn child, Peterson was carrying on an affair with a massage therapist at the time his wife turned up missing. This case graced more People magazine covers than any murder investigation in the publication’s history. Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed Basketball star Kobe Bryant’s high profile rape case was dismissed by the judge after his accuser decided not to testify. Bryant, denied the rape charges all along, maintaining that the “only” thing he was guilty of was adultery. Only three stories in the history of the Lycos 50 have triggered more Internet searches than the Kobe Bryant indictment. Governor McGreevey’s Gay Infidelity New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey announced his resignation, admitting that he was gay and that he’d had an extramarital affair with a male employee who at the time was reportedly threatening to sue the governor for sexual harassment. Desperate Housewives ABC’s hot new prime time soap quickly became the second most popular show on TV, averaging 22.8 million viewers a week. Even men are watching it. Hollywood is convinced that infidelity is the reason for the show’s success. (A key plotline is the extramarital affair between one wife and her young landscaper.) Similar shows are expected to follow. Bill Clinton – “Because I could” In an exclusive interview with Dan Rather of 60 Minutes about his newly published, memoir, “My Life,” former President Bill Clinton told America why he had the affair with Monica Lewinsky – his reply: “Just because I could.” Bernard Kerik’s Simultaneous Extramarital Affairs Nominated by President Bush for the position of Secretary of Homeland Security, the former NYC Police Commissioner abruptly withdrew his name amid a rash of scandals – one of which included allegations that he conducted simultaneous extramarital affairs with publisher of his memoir and a city corrections officer. Clara Harris and “Suburban Madness” This CBS made-for-TV movie depicted the true story of Clara Harris, the Texas dentist convicted of murdering her cheating husband by running over him three times. The executive producer called it “a real comment on American society, American marriage and morality.” Infidelity at the Movies The year 2004 closes with two blockbuster movies which underscore the popularity of infidelity as a form of entertainment: “Closer” – a tangled web of infidelity where a wife betrays a husband by having an affair with a man who is simultaneously cheating on his longtime girlfriend, and “Kinsey”, the biography of the famous sex researcher who had a homosexual affair with a male member of his research team. –Compiled by Ruth Houston, infidelity expert and author of Is He Cheating on You – 829 Telltale Signs. For more information visit http:// www.Is-He-Cheating-On-You.com


High School porn on cellphones. Oh the technology!

High School Cheerleaders Gone Wild

Danvers cheerleaders are in trouble again – this time for allegedly making a racy flick. That and this report from The Boston Herald’s Karen Eschbacher Less than a month after a group of high school football cheerleaders was busted for boozing before a big game, two pompom-toting girls who cheer for the basketball team reportedly have been booted from the squad for making a too-hot-for-local-cable-access-channel video. Students who’ve seen the controversial flick said the scantily clad juniors – naked from the waist up – made a steamy video off campus, possibly over the summer. It was e-mailed from student to student about two weeks ago. The video shows one of the barely dressed cheerleaders kissing the breasts of the other, according to one student. “All of a sudden, everybody comes into school saying, `There’s porno! There’s porno! There’s porno!’ ” another student said. He said the news of the naughty footage spread throughout the school like a bad virus. “The first second it went off, it was rapid fire,” he said. Several students said that other kids brought snippets of the video into school on their digital cameras and other electronic devices. Selectmen Chairman Michael Powers confirmed the girls have been removed from the team but said he didn’t know why. School Committee member Bill Bates said he only knows school officials are investigating “inappropriate behavior as far as our handbook is concerned.” Even without details, Powers said he’s concerned Danvers cheerleaders are making news again for their off-field antics. “Any time any student does anything detrimental to their welfare, as adults we’re concerned about that,” he said. “I think that would be the same for any parent and any responsible adult.” Nearly half the football cheerleaders were recently slapped with a 10-day school suspensions when they arrived at a big game liquored up. That and this report from The Boston Herald’s Karen Eschbacher


(Big as a Planet) Star Jones tries to stiff gardener.

A New York City gardener is suing Star Jones, co-host of The View, over an allegedly unpaid $7,189.20 bill for renovating her roof garden. Dimitri Gatanas of Dimitri’s Nurseries says he’d originally agreed to beautify the $30,000 job he’d already done on her garden in return for Jones giving him credit for it in Architectural Digest, the New York Post reported Wednesday. The magazine’s photo spread on what it described as her unapologetically glamorous triplex apartment with the garden where she spends many an evening … sipping champagne under the stars ran in October 2003, but Gatanas wasn’t mentioned. He said Jones assured him the magazine would run a correction the next month. It didn’t. Then he said she offered him the photo of herself, which he declined. Gatanas says he had a deal that he’d get paid if he didn’t get the mention and so he sent her a bill but she never responded, leading to the suit. Jones’ lawyer denied Gatanas’ accusations and said Jones was countersuing for doing shoddy, unlicensed work that damaged her roof and apartment.


From The Daily Show: The Sarcasm Czar

Rohrabacher makes the national cutup

Stewart and his cohorts take sarcastic shots at any number of world leaders and celebrities. Last week, Costa Mesa’s congressman, Dana Rohrabacher, made the cut. Rohrabacher spoke that day in opposition to the realignment of the country’s intelligence activities under one person. “Mr. Speaker, I rise in strong opposition to S. 2845. “This is first and foremost, and everyone in the country knows that, this is a pro-illegal immigration bill in that the situation with illegal immigration will be worse if we pass this bill than it is today. “It is also not a reform bill. It is an illusion. It is a piece of illusion legislation. It is designed to make people feel better because they perceive something is being done. “And I would like to thank the largest organization of 9/11 families who are opposed to this legislation, the 9/11 Families for American Security, who visited members of Congress to oppose this legislation. “What this bill does is change the flowchart, trying to make people think that is doing something. It adds a level of bureaucracy, a new level of bureaucracy, and, yes, creates an intelligence czar. Boy, that is going to make everybody feel really good that we have an intelligence czar. We had an energy czar. That did us a lot of good. And thank goodness America had a drug czar that was appointed years ago; otherwise we would be plagued with drug use in America today.” Stewart’s response: “Who appointed that guy sarcasm czar?” The congressman need not worry. That kind of stuff polls great with the youth.


4th Grade teacher hatchets and sledgehammers husband to death. And we wonder why kids are so screwed up.

Teacher Found Guilty Of Hacking Husband To Death
Autopsy Shows Man Stabbed 21 Times

PONTIAC, Mich — A Michigan jury has reached a verdict in the murder trial of elementary school teacher Nancy Seaman. Seaman, 52, was found guilty of first-degree murder in the death of her 57-year-old husband, Robert. Seaman had claimed that she killed her husband in self-defense after he sliced her with a knife and chased her into the garage outside their Farmington Hills home. Seaman testified that she was crouched in a ball on the floor when she saw her husband grab her leg. She said she felt the handle of a hatchet and “flung it at him and it swept him across the face.” Seaman said she did not know how many times she hit her husband with the hatchet. Oakland County Assistant Prosecutor Lisa Ortlieb called Seaman’s testimony untruthful. “This was a one-sided attack. It was a complete ambush,” Ortlieb said. “(Robert Seaman) did not have one defensive mark on him.” Seaman testified that she had been a victim of domestic abuse for the past 30 years, but Ortlieb said, “There was no credible evidence to suggest that Nancy Seaman was a battered woman.” Police said Seaman killed her husband with a hatchet, knife and sledgehammer. Autopsy results showed that Robert Seaman was stabbed 21 times and struck with the hatchet 15 times, the station reported. Officers found the man’s body on the afternoon of May 12 in the back of a Ford Explorer parked in the driveway of the couple’s home in Farmington Hills. He had reportedly been dead for several days. Nancy Seaman — who was a fourth-grade teacher at the time — said she didn’t know her husband was dead until she came home from school during lunch hour. Police said Seaman attempted to cover up the crime. Investigators believe the former teacher wrapped her husband’s body in a tarp, secured it with duct tape and then placed it in the back of the SUV. Prosecutors questioned the fact that Seaman bought the hatchet just prior to her husband’s death. “Justice was served,” said Ortlieb.


More from Neiman Marcus – a Jewel-Encrusted Mr. Potato Head

Jewel Encrusted Potato Head, Because You’re Worth It

DALLAS – What do you get for that special someone who has just about everything? How about a personal zeppelin? The airship is in the 2004 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book, unveiled in Dallas yesterday. The zeppelin seats 12 passengers and costs a mere $10 million. If that’s a little steep, Neiman is offering a $1.7 million mini submarine for two. Or jewel encrusted Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head figurines at $8,000 apiece. This year’s his-and-hers gift is a four-lane bowling alley, including large-screen plasma TVs, personalized bowling shirts and lessons from a pro. Price tag? Nearly $1.5 million.


Billions of money spent on security proves well worth the investment.

THE AMERICAN VERSION Fake bomb is found, lost December 16, 2004 NEWARK, N.J. — Baggage screeners at Newark Liberty International Airport spotted — and then lost — a fake bomb planted in luggage by a supervisor during a training exercise. Despite an hours-long search Tuesday night, the bag — containing the fake bomb complete with wires, a detonator and a clock — made it onto a flight bound for Amsterdam, The Netherlands. It was recovered by airport officials there. “This really underscores the importance of the TSA’s ongoing training exercises,” said Ann Davis, a spokeswoman for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for airport screening. New Jersey Sens. Jon Corzine and Frank Lautenberg wrote to TSA chief David Stone on Wednesday, calling the fake bomb loss “alarming” and asking for an investigation.
By the Associated Press
THE INTERNATIONAL VERSION Fake explosives found on US plane 8.13PM, Wed Dec 15 2004

Security officials at a US airport lost a bag containing fake explosives used to test its bomb-detection system. The fake explosives had been placed on one of Newark Liberty International Airport’s bomb-detection machines as part of a routine security exercise and should have been removed. But the bag was accidentally put on a Continental Airlines flight bound for Amsterdam. It was later retrieved. New Jersey’s main airport is one of three used by hijackers on September 11, 2001. A local newspaper has reported that security screeners at the airport missed one in four fake explosives and weapons in tests carried out during the summer.


Nieman Marcus Offers Gift Values incl. $20K Custom Suit of Armor

Forget sugarplums; it’s time to dream big

Read it and dream. Neiman Marcus’ 78th annual “The Christmas Book” is full of gift ideas most people can only fantasize about – from breathtaking baubles to over-the-top entertainment. “For our customers, the arrival of the Neiman Marcus ‘Christmas Book’ marks the official start of the holiday season,” said Brendan Hoffman, CEO of Neiman Marcus Direct. “This year’s gift assortment is more innovative and luxurious than ever before and is available in its entirety online (www.neimanmarcus.com).” Although the much-anticipated catalog is known for extravagant merchandise, it does offer some gifts for less than $50. Among them are a $20 mink scrunchie and a $20 silver-plated personal sweetener holder. These little stocking-stuffers are nice, but they are not reasons the publication creates such a buzz every year. It’s all about the fantasy gifts. Among the dream presents:

CUSTOM SUIT OF ARMOR: This one definitely outshines an Armani. The high-end retailer has 20 hand-crafted and “history accurate” suits of armor available for custom order. To make sure it fits like a glove, an artisan will gather the prospective wearer’s measurements and handcraft a 15th-century design fit for a wealthy knight wannabe. Also included are two sword-fighting lessons. Price: $20,000.

VALENTINO COUTURE GOWN: Dress like a Hollywood actress on Oscar night in this one-of-a kind creation, done in brown silk chiffon and accented with shimmering metallic paillettes. The package includes a trip to Paris, VIP access to the Valentino showroom, a champagne toast with the designer, a gourmet luncheon for two, a tour of the city and final fitting anywhere in the United States, Paris, London or Rome. Price: $325,000.

PINK SAPPHIRE-AND-DIAMOND JEWELRY: Talk about tickled pink. A sweet suite (earrings, necklace and bracelet) features 124 carats of pink sapphires and 85 carats of diamonds set in platinum and 18-karat yellow gold. Price: $2.5 million. Two staples of the catalog are the cool car and the his-and-her gift. This year’s pick is the $125,000 2005 Maserati Quattroporte. It goes from 0 to 60 in five seconds and has a top speed of 170 mph. For the couple that has almost everything, a 5,000-square-foot bowling center with four regulation lanes, pin-setting system and video-scoring monitors is offered. You’ll need $1.45 million to play. The most expensive gift offered is a modern Zeppelin. The 8-ton, 230-foot-long craft can accommodate 11 passengers and reaches a speed of 70 knots. It flies in at $10 million. With “The Christmas Book,” the sky truly is the limit.


Vinnie Barbarino Flying a Zepplin?

source

Hollywood superstar and aviation enthusiast JOHN TRAVOLTA has bought himself an $11 million (GBP6 million) Zeppelin airship for Christmas (04). The PULP FICTION star, who is a qualified pilot, told wife KERRY PRESTON he “had to have” one of the eight ton flying machines after spotting it in a festive catalogue from American department store NEIMAN MARCUS. A source says, “John was blown away by it and told Kelly he had to have one. He can’t wait to fly it, but she’s told him he won’t get it until Christmas day.” The airship will be the third plane 49-year-old star owns. He already has a $83 million (GBP46 million) Boeing 707 and a Gultstream executive jet at his Florida home, which is designed to look like an old-fashioned airport with runways, arrivals hall and a departure lounge.


Boyfriend Pillow, meet your match!

Lap of the nods

Makoto Igarashi, managing director of Tokyo-based toy model maker Trane Co., Ltd., rests his head on his company’s novelty lap pillow. Photo: AP

A pillow shaped like a woman’s lap has become one of the best selling Christmas gifts in Japan, reports ananova.com. The foam pillow, made by Japan’s Trane Corporation comes complete with a mini-skirt. The Trane Corporation insists the pillow has healing properties, is ideal for children and is not intended to titillate customers. “Well, (it’s) not o­nly a toy for children, but we wanted it to also be a product for adults,” a spokesperson for the company said. The pillow retails at around $100.


Anna Kournikova finally wins

Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova has secretly married her singer boyfriend Enrique Iglesias, Us Weekly magazine reported December 14, 2004. Iglesias and Kournikova pose at the New York Premiere of Columbia Pictures’ movie ‘Once Upon A Time In Mexico’ late September 7, 2003 at Loews Lincoln Square Theatre in New York. (Dave Alloca/Reuters)


News of the Weird

source

Thursday, November 18, 2004 By Chuck Shepherd Universal Press Syndicate Surfing rabbi cites whole-self religious experience

Things people believe

Thinning the herd

Can’t possibly be true

Unclear on the concept

Almost all true

Recurring themes

Readers’ choice


More Christmas Blasphemy or Artistic Out-Of-The-Box Creativity. You be the judge.

source


Visitors pose for photographs in front of a new celebrity wax work nativity scene unveiled at Madame Tussauds London, featuring (L-R) U.S. actor Samuel L. Jackson, British actor Hugh Grant and Irish comedian Graham Norton as the shepherds, with England soccer captain David Beckham and his wife Victoria as Joseph and Mary, with Australian singer Kylie Minogue (top) as the angel and Britain’s Prime Minister Tony Blair, the Duke of Edinburgh and U.S. President George W. Bush as the three wise men, December 7, 2004.

Waxworks of England: soccer captain David Beckham (L) and his wife, Victoria, depict the couple as Joseph and Mary, with Australian singer Kylie Minogue (top R) as the angel in a new celebrity nativity scene at Madame Tussauds in London. Church leaders have condemned the tableau.

Britain’s Prime Minister Tony Blair (L), the Duke of Edinburgh (C) and U.S. President George W. Bush appear as the three wise men in a new celebrity wax work nativity scene at Madame Tussauds London, December 7, 2004.


Soldier to Army: Like a Cabinet Member, I RESIGN!!!

Sailor refuses deployment in protest of war

SAN DIEGO —- A Navy petty officer opposed to the war in Iraq refused to board his ship Monday as sailors and Marines deployed for the Persian Gulf. Petty Officer 3rd Class Pablo Paredes, 23, said he has opposed the war since its inception. Until recently, the weapons-control technician said he did not feel he had a direct role in the war. Two weeks ago, however, he said he was involuntarily transferred to the amphibious transport USS Bonhomme Richard, which ferries Marines to Iraq. “I don’t want to be a part of a ship that’s taking 3,000 Marines over there, knowing a hundred or more of them won’t come back,” he said. “I can’t sleep at night knowing that’s what I do for a living.” Paredes of the New York City borough of the Bronx said he joined the Navy in 2000 and has 20 months left on his six-year enlistment. He said he was stationed previously in Japan. He said he was young and naive when he joined the Navy and “never imagined, in a million years, we would go to war with somebody who had done nothing to us.” Paredes was at the ship’s pier at Navy Base San Diego Monday as Expeditionary Strike Group Five left for its tour in the Pacific and Indian oceans. He was wearing a black T-shirt that proclaimed “Like a Cabinet member” on the front and “I resign” on the back as he watched tugboats pull the Bonhomme Richard out of San Diego Bay. Paredes, who compared his actions to that of recently resigned Secretary of State Colin Powell and other members of the president’s cabinet, wanted to toss his military identification card into the bay but was told by officials not to so. Military officials did not immediately comment on his actions. He could face a court-martial, a dishonorable discharge and possible time in a military jail. Paredes said he has been told that he will face about up to 14 months in a military jail and a discharge for refusing to board the ship. He said he hopes his protest might inspire other sailors, soldiers and Marines to refuse to take part in the war. “I know other people are feeling the same way I am, and I’m hoping more people will stand up,” he said. “They can’t throw us all in jail.”


Britney Spears’ nasty feet

Cheesy Britney

Imagine you’re a big pop star and you’ve just attended your first public engagement since getting married, only to be upstaged by your stinky feet! Yes, that’s the tragedy Britney Spears was forced to endure during a plane ride from LA to New York after showing up at the Billboard magazine music awards with Kev whatshisname and her pooch. According to reports, Brit kicked off her shoes in first class, no doubt, and an almighty pong floated around the aircraft. In fact, the smell was so overpowering that passengers COMPLAINED and the stewardess had to ask the newly-wed to put her shoes back on. “Britney went bright red, laughed and said her shoes make her feet stink,” one passenger kindly blabbed to the Sun. “Thankfully she put them on. There’s no way we could have put up with that.” We assume they’re talking about her feet and not that hapless chap called Kev who sat next to her?


Cop caught peeing in elevator.

News4Jax.com – News – Central Florida Deputy Videotaped Urinating In Elevator

ORLANDO, Fla. — An Orange County sheriff’s deputy was fired after surveillance video showed him urinating in a public elevator. Recent complaints of a foul odor inside the R & R Limited public parking garage in Orange County prompted the building’s manager to set up a video camera inside an elevator.When the manager and police checked the videotapes, Orange County Sheriff’s Deputy Carl Brown was shown urinating in the corner of the elevator, WKMG-TVs in Orlando reported. “It’s certainly nothing you would expect from anybody, much less a deputy sheriff,” Orange County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Jim Solomons said. The manager said Brown, who works at the nearby county courthouse, was constantly relieving himself inside the elevator. Since the videotape was given to authorities, Brown has reportedly admitted to urinating in the elevator and in some nearby bushes. “It smelled bad,” resident John Minka said. “To urinate in a public elevator, that’s just wrong.” The urine caused about $200 worth of damage to the elevator, according to Local 6 News. A sheriff’s office investigation determined that Brown violated two agency standards. He was given a 40-hour suspension for one offense and fired for the other, according to the report. Although Brown was fired, he is still being paid while he continues to appeal his termination.


Target: Beat it, panhandler!

Target sticks to its decision to bar Salvation Army kettles

In the holiday jostle, Salvation Army’s red kettles have taken a spill. Target’s decision this year to bar Salvation Army fundraisers from its 1,313 stores in 47 states ends a longstanding relationship with the Christian charity and removes the second-largest source of kettle funds: $8.9 million last year. The decision also reveals a split among major retailers over how to respond to growing demands by charities for access to the prime real estate outside their doors:

  • Wal-Mart, with 3,085 stores in the USA, rations sidewalk space to several charities. To the Salvation Army, it gives 14 days in December. “It’s a fairness issue,” spokesman Dan Fogleman says. “That allows more groups access to our customers, which increases the positive impact on communities we serve.”
  • Odd Lots, with 1,515 discount stores, restricts solicitations to three favored charities – including the Salvation Army – that support the low- and middle-income families that frequent company stores, Vice President Kent Larsson says. Kmart and Sears remain in the Salvation Army’s corner. But Target said in January that it no longer would exempt the Salvation Army from its no-solicitation policy. Spokeswoman Carolyn Brookter says Target could not justify the exception in the face of a “huge increase in requests.” Brookter says the Salvation Army has not proposed alternative ways the retailer could support it. However, Salvation Army Maj. George Hood, the charity’s national spokesman, says Target rejected several compromises after backing away from its plan to ban the kettles and bell ringers in 2003. This time, Hood says, “They were adamant there was no room for discussion to reverse the decision.” Corporate governance specialist Eleanor Boxham of the Value Alliance says Target might have decided it could take a harder line with the Salvation Army because its shoppers tend to be more affluent than the impoverished families the Salvation Army serves, and more affluent than customers at competing retailers that kept the kettles in place. Lehman Bros. says Target shoppers have an average household income of $60,000 compared with $40,000 for Wal-Mart shoppers. Boxham also points out that the charity’s conservatism has aroused controversy in recent years. The red kettle campaign, which began in Oakland in 1891, accounts for about $93 million in annual fundraising, about 5% of the organization’s total. However, Salvation Army’s effort to initiate online solicitations with “virtual bell ringers” raised just $45,000 last year. Salvation Army Capt. Mitchell Brown, 46, of Long Island, N.Y., says fundraising never has been tougher. In nearly 40 years of bell ringing alongside the charity’s kettles, Brown says, he’s seen holiday generosity vary with the weather: When snow falls, giving goes up. He’s also seen aggression flare in the parking lot. “I got my lights punched out once,” he says. But the biggest blow, he says, came when Target ended his ability to solicit funds outside two Long Island stores where last year he raised $22,000, more than a quarter of his territory’s total. “I can’t make that up at another stand,” he says. In place of 10 kettles, he plans to put out 18 to 20 to stay even. “It’s become more competitive,” he rues. “Ten years ago, you could go in front of any store, put up a kettle and they were glad to have you. They’d bring out hot chocolate. You don’t see that any more.”


    With e-Hunting, the disabled can now experience the joys of killing slow animals for sport.

    State Scrambles to Regulate “Remote Hunting”

    Texas wildlife officials are scrambling to stop a San Antonio businessman from putting up a web site which would allow people anywhere in the world to shoot Texas white tail deer on a south Texas ranch on the Internet, 1200 WOAI news reported today. “We don’t have any regulations on the books right now that pertain to this specific activity,” Tom Harvey of the Texas Parks and Wildlife Commission told 1200 WOAI news. John Lockwood of ‘live-shot dot com’ told 1200 WOAI news they will mount cameras on a platform which will give on line hunters a 360 degree view of the ranch, which they say only is located in ’southwest Texas.’ A rifle mounted on a platform could then be manipulated by the hunter at the keyboard, similar to the way weapons are manipulated by players in video games. When the hunter sees the deer appear on the computer screen, he could fire the gun by remote control by using a keyboard command. Attendants at the ranch would then retrieve the carcass, dress it, and mail the on line hunter the antlers and the venison. “Prior to coming to my web site you would have to purchase a license to hunt in Texas, and pay for a three hour block of time,” Lockwood said. “During that time, only you would be able to control the gun and the camera.” “We absolutely oppose this, we think this is totally unethical,” said Kirby Brown, Vice President of the Texas Wildlife Association, the hunters and landowners lobbying organization. He called ‘live-shot dot com’ ‘disgusting.’ Harvey said TPW regulators are considering passing a rule that would stop ‘live-shot dot com.’ “Texas Parks and Wildlife Department is looking at the possibility of regulating remote controlled hunting,” he said. “One of the possibilities is a rule that would require that you be physically present to hunt.” He said Internet hunters would likely not have hunting licenses, which would also make it illegal for them to shoot deer in Texas. Lockwood said the web site would be popular with disabled hunters unable to get out into the woods, or people who simply could not afford to travel to the trophy ranches of southwest Texas. “I heard for a disabled veteran who was just in tears,” Lockwood said. “He was afraid he would never be able to hunt again, but now he knows he will be able to go hunting.” But Brown says on line hunting is not hunting. “You have to be there, you have to experience the outdoors, you have to be at the hunting operation at the site.” He says the TWA has already contacted lawmakers about passing laws banning the practice. “We have already been in discussions with lawmakers to see if we can’t stop this across the board,” Brown said.


    Drunk Teacher caught wearing panties.

    NewsNet5.com – News – Officer Pulls Over Man Wearing Panties For Drunken Driving
    Local Teacher Wore Women’s Clothing In Previous DUI Incident

    MEDINA, Ohio — Medina County authorities pulled over an experienced high school teacher this week, but it was what the man was wearing inside his vehicle that raised some officer’s eyebrows. NewsChannel5’s Jonathan Costen reported that a Medina Township officer pulled over the driver of a Jeep late Monday night for driving without headlights. When the driver, Cloverleaf High School teacher Mark Wurstle, stepped out of the vehicle, he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, along with a pair of panties. While his outfit wasn’t breaking the law, police said he was driving under the influence. Police may have been on the lookout for Wurstle because earlier that night he made a stop at a bar. A bartender thought what she saw was funny, but she also thought she should give police a heads up. Costen reported that this isn’t the first time police pulled Wurstle over on a DUI charge. Six years ago, Medina police pulled him over, and then, too, Wurstle was wearing a unique fashion. An incident report states Wurstle had earrings, lipstick, rouge and blue eye shadow, and he was drinking vanilla extract. When the officer asked if he was wearing any clothes, the report states, Wurstle opened his coat and showed him a black dress trimmed in white that went mid-thigh, along with a white pearl. He was arrested for drunken driving. The Cloverleaf school superintendent told NewsChannel5 that Wurstle is at school doing his job, and he’s a 25-year veteran committed to the kids. He also said the school system is conducting its own investigation to find out about the allegations.


    Black Widow: The hard part was swallowing

    ‘Black Widow’ Wins Meatball Crown

    ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. — Eighty-nine meatballs and Sonya Thomas said she had room for more. The 105-pound Thomas downed more than seven dozen meatballs over the weekend, to win the World Meatball Eating Championships in Atlantic City. She proved again why she’s known as the Black Widow on the competitive eating circuit. Thomas said she wasn’t that full, after leaving her closest competitor nearly a pound behind. She said the hard part was swallowing. Thomas won $2,500 for her hearty appetite.


    Butter factory fire spreads through town

    Fire leaves Minnesota town coated in butter

    NEW ULM, Minn. – (KRT) – Tons of butter melted by a factory fire spread through the streets of New Ulm, Minn., late Wednesday and early Thursday until they were overtaken by the chill of the icebox weather. On Thursday afternoon, amid the fatigue from hours of fighting the massive blaze, the slippery surfaces and the wreckage of the plant, even Fire Chief Curt Curry recognized some humor in the incongruous scene. “We were looking for 40,000 loaves of bread at 2 o’clock this morning,” he said, trying to wind down with a smile after working the intense fire all night. Work crews used backhoes during the day to slice through a pond of partially resolidified butter that spread from the Associated Milk Producers Inc. plant. Heat from the fire caused much of an estimated 3 million pounds of butter to melt, burn or seep out the loading dock doors. Some of it flowed three blocks downhill into the Minnesota River before dikes were built to create a block-long pond that stood 2 feet deep in parts. That is when the Minnesota weather finally helped. “Once it cooled, it gelled,” said Greg Palmer, the fire department’s second assistant chief. Most of the butter was contained to the block surrounding the plant. It will be a while before the extent of the damage is known. Firefighters fear some of their safety gear was damaged beyond repair. Streets remained closed for several blocks near downtown as work crews scraped up the slippery goo. And about 180 workers are left to wonder what will become of their livelihoods. The plant is Minnesota’s largest butter making and packaging plant, AMPI spokeswoman Sheryl Meshke said. The company runs about a dozen plants in four states. It was too early to know what will become of the New Ulm site, AMPI’s only butter plant, she added. The building was not completely lost and some butter was salvaged, she said. And about six workers were back on the job Thursday, accepting milk from farmers for other AMPI operations. The fire, whose cause remains unknown, was spotted just after 6 p.m. Wednesday near the plant’s second-floor cooling towers. About 30 employees were evacuated. When crews from the New Ulm volunteer fire department arrived, flames were visible on the roof, Curry said. The butter stored below began to melt. Much of it burned. “It’s like if you’re cooking,” Meshke said. That only made it worse for firefighters from New Ulm and neighboring communities, who were already dealing with freezing temperatures and the slick mess created by the melting butter accumulating on the ground. The butter became a fuel. At first crews tried to pour water on the burning building. Finally, when they were able to collect enough fire extinguishing foam, they sprayed the blaze and suffocated the flames. The fire was under control by about 4:45 a.m. Thursday. No one was injured, Curry said. A number of AMPI employees filed by the site Thursday to get a glimpse of the scene. They hope to hear soon what will happen to their jobs, said Bob Gnekow, a maintenance worker for AMPI. He could see the fire’s glow over New Ulm on Wednesday night from his home 10 miles away in Lafayette, Minn. “It was a really good place to work,” Gnekow said while peering into the charred remains of the plant. “I don’t know where we are all going to go,” said fellow employee Gary Widmer of Springfield, Minn. Both said AMPI has been a good employer, and they hope the company will be able to salvage the operation in New Ulm. Joel Albrecht, the mayor of the Minnesota community of 14,000, is expected to give a tour of the damage today to state and federal officials and discuss ways to help the city and one of its largest employers recover. Curry expects to meet with Albrecht to talk about replacing their firefighting suits, now coated with butter. They are concerned the butter and the intense washing required to remove it will damage the suits’ fire-retardant capabilities. On Thursday, fire crews power-washed their hoses and trucks, which were caked in butter and grime. Even their electronic radios “were covered in a quarter-inch of butter,” Curry said. But the trucks were ready to respond in case of another emergency, he added. While the damage to the factory is extensive and the cleanup on the streets under way, crews do not believe the fire caused much pollution. A relatively small amount of butter reached the Minnesota River through a storm drain, said Nancy Miller, spokeswoman for the state Pollution Control Agency. Butter in the river was treated like an oil slick, with booms placed around a storm sewer outlet. The booms were hampered by floating ice. The butter that got through will break down naturally in the river, Miller said. “It could have caused some dissolved oxygen problems in a different time of year because of how it would break down,” Miller said. “But with the cold water and the amount of turbulence, there should be plenty of oxygen and it will naturally break up.” — ABOUT THE PLANT

  • Associated Milk Producers Inc.’s butter factory in New Ulm is a cooperative owned by 4,600 dairy farmers in the Upper Midwest.
  • It processed 5.2 billion pounds of its members’ milk last year at its 13 plants, including facilities at Rochester, Dawson and Paynesville in Minnesota, and at Jim Falls, Portage and Blair, Wis.
  • The New Ulm plant is the company’s only butter making facility.
  • The plant is Minnesota’s largest in butter making and packaging.
  • It employs 180 people n Cheese production and marketing account for the majority of AMPI’s $1.1 billion in annual sales. — (Knight Ridder Newspapers correspondent Dennis Lien contributed to this report.)


    Chris Matthews getting Hardball over Tipper.

    Chris Matthews calls Tipper Gore hot!

    What would he say about Nicollette Sheridan? For those watching on television, the best part of the opening of the Clinton Presidential Center in Little Rock, Ark., might have been the color commentary on MSNBC from Chris Matthews, whose ability to talk relentlessly is legendary and who occasionally allows guests on his own show to speak an entire sentence. Where most anchors would dutifully take note of the singing of the national anthem at the ceremony, Matthews talked about how difficult it is to sing the Star-Spangled Banner. And when he spotted the wife of former Vice President Al Gore, Matthews was not restrained by decorum: “Boy, that Tipper Gore is a good-looking woman. I’m sorry, I’d like to offer that as commentary.” If he keeps that up, he might be hearing from the Federal Communications Commission.


    Pizza Delivery guys joining union. Is this really something that should be a union job?

    Pizza drivers’ union demands better wages
    FLEDGLING LABOR GROUP HAS YET TO ORGANIZE ITS FIRST SHOP

    NASHVILLE – A fledgling national union for pizza drivers is demanding better wages and training, saying the large chains have been taking advantage of them for years. It’s an effort that has attracted the attention of the Teamsters union, but the Association of Pizza Delivery Driv-ers, based in Hendersonville, has yet to organize its first shop. A vote at a Domino’s franchise in Lincoln, Neb., failed Tuesday night on a 2-2 vote. But organizers expect a better result next week when Pizza Hut drivers vote at a store near Columbus, Ohio. Tim Lockwood, treasurer of the pizza delivery union, said getting the first vote itself was a huge victory. After all, the union started just a couple of years ago with a few drivers talking in an Internet chat room about unfair working conditions. “We built a Web site and they came,” said Lockwood, a pizza delivery driver who declined to identify the company he works for. Now they have about 600 drivers from across the country signed up for the free union, and he feels momentum gathering for more unionization votes. Lockwood said pizza drivers make $5.50 to $6 an hour, plus tips, and get reimbursed 50 to 75 cents a delivery, no matter how far away it is. Even worse, he said, pizza delivery is annually ranked among the most dangerous jobs. Lockwood said he envisions collective bargaining with the national pizza chains, forcing them to pay drivers a reimbursement of 30 cents to 40 cents a mile, along with compensation for more expensive commercial driver’s insurance. He also said drivers want to see concessions on safety issues, such as better training.


    Doggie ER: Woman does Caesarean on dead dog

    Woman performs C-section on dead dog, saves puppies

    CEDAR CITY, Utah — A quick-thinking EMT performed a Caesarean section on her dead Chihuahua to save the lives of three puppies. Carolyn Shaw was at work two weeks ago when she received a call from her husband, saying their long-haired Chihuahua, Annie, was in labor and whimpering under the bed, and he couldn’t coax her out. Not wanting the dog to deliver under the bed, she asked her ambulance partner Kori Baker, who also is her daughter-in-law, and an intern riding along if they could stop by the house and check on the dog. When they arrived, Barker found Annie warm but limp. “After I did a quick check I realized she was dead,” Barker said. After the puppies were delivered, here was a brief celebration until the fact that the puppies were motherless dawned on them. “The whole experience was so cool, but then we knew we needed to rush them to the vet because they didn’t have a mom anymore and we didn’t know what to do next,” Barker said. The pups are now at home, where family and friends are caring for them. All three pups already have homes when they are old enough to leave. (AP)


    Boondocks on Ron Artest, America


    Oldest Printed Porn Expected to Auction for $65k.

    17th century British porn to be auctioned

    The world’s first known piece of printed pornography, described as the “quintessence of debauchery,” is expected to reach up to 35,000 pounds ($65,040) when it is auctioned next month. “Sodom,” penned in the mid-1670s, has been attributed to John Wilmot, the second Earl of Rochester and is described by auction house Sotheby’s as a “closet drama rather than for the stage” with pornography “in almost every line.”

    “We believe this is the first printed pornography in English literature, a unique copy of the quintessence of debauchery,” Peter Beal, Sotheby’s book specialist said. “It is one of the most notorious publications in literature and makes most pornography written 300 years later seem tame.” The book centers on the decision made by a lustful King to “set the nation free” by allowing “buggary” to be “used thro’ all the land” and then details the dire consequences. The book, the only surviving copy, will be auctioned on December 16.


    Teacher who had sex with student to plead Insanity. That sounds about right.

    Teacher accused of having sex with pupil to use insanity defense

    A suspended middle-school teacher accused of having sex with a 14-year-old former student will claim she was insane at the time of the alleged encounters, her attorney said. Debra Lafave’s attorney, John Fitzgibbons, said in court Tuesday that he would file notice of an insanity defense “in the near future.” “Debbie has some profound emotional issues that are not her fault,” Fitzgibbons said after the hearing. Several doctors have examined Lafave in recent months, Fitzgibbons said, and their findings will cast light on what happened in this case. Lafave, 24, was present for the hearing but did not speak to reporters. She has pleaded not guilty to four felony counts of lewd and lascivious battery and one count of lewd and lascivious exhibition, each of which carry a maximum 15-year prison term. Her former student said that he and Lafave had sex five times in early June, encounters that allegedly occurred in her Riverview townhouse, her classroom and the back of her Isuzu during rides through Ocala. The defense is expected to point to the April 2001 death of Lafave’s older sister, Angela Beasley, who was 24 years old and five months pregnant when an intoxicated Army captain, Joseph Piotrowski, plowed his Jeep into her car. Piotrowski is now serving a 30-year prison term for the crime. During Piotrowski’s court-martial in August 2001, Lafave testified that she had been depressed, angry and ill since her sister’s death. “It’s hard to concentrate on anything but that,” she said. Her mother, Joyce Beasley, described her as “pretty much a basket case” as a result of her sister’s death. At the request of both sides, Hillsborough Circuit Judge Wayne Timmerman agreed to delay Lafave’s trial. The case goes before the judge again on March 22 for a pretrial hearing, with a trial set for April 25.


    J Lo pays off MLB bet to Ben Crapfflek

    J Lo coughs up 1,000 dollars for Ben Affleck!

    Latino diva Jennifer Lopez recently proved that she is a woman of her word as she shelled out 1,000 dollars to honour a bet she made with her former flame Ben Affleck. The ex-couple had reportedly bet on who would win the baseball season, and while Lopez, who has since been married to singer Mark Anthony, supported the New York Yankees, Affleck bet on the Boston Red Sox, which took home the trophy, reports ratethemusic.com. (ANI)


    Folks, Don’t Put Your Lava Lamps on Hot Stoves, Please!

    Exploding lava lamp kills Kent man

    KENT, Wash. (AP) — A 24-year-old man who placed a lava lamp on a hot stovetop was killed when it exploded and sent a shard of glass into his heart, police said. “Why on earth he was heating a lava lamp on the stove, we don’t know,” Kent Police spokesman Paul Petersen said Monday. Philip Quinn’s parents found his body in his Kent trailer home at about 8 p.m. Sunday. They went to check on him after his girlfriend reported that she couldn’t get in touch with him. The King County Medical Examiner’s office estimated the time of his death at 2 p.m. Sunday. After the lamp exploded, Quinn apparently stumbled into his bedroom, where he died, Petersen said. Police found no evidence of drug or alcohol use.

    Mr. A’s Synopsis:“Moron Completely Abuses Intended Purpose of Device, Heats Lava Lamp On Stove Instead of With Electric Plug As Any Retard With An IQ Of 45 Or Above Understands, Darwinism Properly Evoked, Law Of Natural Selection Rears Its Ugly Head, One Less Imbecilic Boob Taxing The World’s Food Supply.”


    Linden Larouche – candidate for the people

    I’ve Found My Candidate

    Washington Post profile of wacko perrenial presidental candidate Lyndon Larouche uncovers the great overlooked issue of this campaign:

    LaRouche and his international network of organizations champion an eccentric mix of issues. They’ve lobbied the music world to lower the standard pitch of middle “C” to spare singers vocal strain.
    It’s an absolute scandal that the middle C issue was never brought up in the debates. The media’s obviously in the pocket of the…
    …er
    piano tuning lobby?

    Here’s the punchline:

    He began running for president in 1976 — the first year presidential elections were publicly financed. Since then he has run seven more times, and garnered $5.9 million in federal matching campaign funds. This election cycle alone he has received more than $1.4 million.
    Socialized campaign financing at its best.


    2 Live Crew in trouble AGAIN – Marking almost 2 decades of law defiance.

    2 Live Crew Stirs Trouble In Sonoma

    A Sonoma County beer garden is in trouble with state liquor agents after a raunchy performance by the controversial rap group 2 Live Crew. The Sonoma Valley Sun reports undercover agents from the California Department of Alcohol and Beverage Control were in the crowd last week during a performance by the group at Little Switzerland, an establishment that usually hosts polka bands. An investigator with the department says the rap group’s act included partially nude lap dancing and simulated sex acts. The owners of Little Switzerland are facing fines and could have their alcohol license pulled because of the group’s performance. A show scheduled in nearby Guerneville for Nov. 20th was canceled after the Little Switzerland incident. The band has been in legal trouble before since its first album was released in 1986. In 1990, a Florida state court declared its third and most successful album, “As Nasty As They Wanna Be,” legally obscene. That ruling was later overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court.


    The Pressure to keep winning was just too great. No – Not Butch Davis or Ty Willingham, but Ken Jennings, official Jeopardy Freak.

    ‘Jeopardy!’ whiz Ken Jennings finally meets his match

    Ken Jennings finally meets his match, losing on Jeopardy! after winning 74 straight games, in an episode televised Tuesday. The Salt Lake City quiz whiz, who had won more than $2.5 million, was tripped up during a “Final Jeopardy” query about tax preparer H&R Block. Now that he’s in a new tax bracket, H&R Block is offering to prepare his returns free for life. Jennings is the biggest money-winner in television game show history. Nancy Zerg, a real estate agent from Ventura, Calif., is the contestant who finally beat him.


    Corporal punishment in the workplace!

    ALLEGED SPANKINGS LEAD TO CHARGES AT SMOOTHIE STORE

    RED BANK, Tenn. (AP) – The owner of a shaved ice business was arrested after two employees claimed he spanked them for making mistakes at work. Paul Eugene Levengood, 57, was charged with two counts of sexual battery after the 19-year-old women complained. One of the women told police that on her first day at the Tasty Flavors Sno Biz, Levengood made her sign a statement that said: “I give Gene permission to bust my behind any way he sees fit.” Police Sgt. Jay LaMance said the women likely accepted the spankings instead of leaving immediately because they were “brought up to respect anybody who is an authority figure.” One of the women told police Nov. 1 that she “was shocked at the incident but could not leave because she had no transportation.” The other woman said she continued to work for Levengood for more than a year after she was spanked and that he told her “either she could be spanked or be fired.” Police say one of the women reported that on Oct. 30, her fourth day on the job, Levengood called her “into the back room of the store” after she forgot to put a banana in a smoothie drink. She said that as punishment Levengood “bent her over his knee and spanked her behind 20 times.” She said that a day earlier he “snapped a photograph of her behind” as she reached for a bottle on a shelf. Levengood was freed on $2,000 bail pending a Nov. 16 court hearing. His franchise in this Chattanooga suburb was closed Tuesday. At the company headquarters in Minneapolis, sales manager Tom Novetzke described Levengood as a “very Christian person,” adding that “We’ve never had a complaint.”

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  • December 20, 2004

    The Perfect Job

    Filed under: Humor, Jokes — Tags: , , — webadmin @ 6:49 pm


     

    Author Unknown

    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

    Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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    December 10, 2004

    DAVE BARRY’S HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

    Filed under: Christmas, Hardly Newsworthy, Holidays, Humor — Tags: , , , — webadmin @ 6:57 pm


     

    DAVE BARRY’S HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

    This year, for our Holiday Gift Guide, we thought we’d try something different. Usually we just hurl together a bunch of stupid, useless items that no sane human would ever actually buy. But this year we thought, “Why not, for once, do something positive? Why not do a REAL gift guide, with items that people might actually WANT to receive?” But just then our medication wore off. So once again this year we have followed our standard Gift Guide formula. First, we scour the nation — defined as “several catalogs in our office” — for possible gifts. We’re looking for items that meet our three Critical Gift Guide Criteria:

    * The item has to be cheap.

    * The item has to have a certain indefinable quality that makes you go, “Huh?”

    * Or, not.

    Once we have selected a certain number (14) of potential Gift Guide items, we purchase them, using money graciously provided by the Miami Herald. When the potential items arrive, we put them through the following rigorous Six Step Quality Control Testing Procedure:

    STEP ONE: We remove the item from the package.

    STEP TWO: We go, “Huh?”

    STEP THREE: We gently pound the item into a thin medallion, then sprinkle it with salt, pepper and paprika. No, wait, this is the recipe for veal scallopini. Please disregard this step.

    STEP FOUR: We submit the item to the Department of Homeland Security to determine whether it is a suspected terrorist item, or what.

    STEP FIVE: We give the item to our photographer, Raul Rubiera, and tell him to take a picture that illustrates the item, while at the same time, if at all possible, gratuitously featuring a hot babe.

    STEP SIX: We run our spellchecker to find out exactly how to spell “scallopini.”

    Only when ALL these steps have been completed, except Step Three, do we include the item in the Gift Guide. It is because of this high level of quality control that we are able to offer you the following: Official holiday gift guide consumer lifetime warranty: If you purchase any item listed in this Gift Guide (You moron!) and you are for any reason whatsoever not 110 percent totally satisfied, simply place the item in a large heavy pan and saute it in butter until lightly browned on both sides. Serves six.


    BAKGLO CAMPFIRE BUTT WARMER, $14.95 plus shipping and handing from Lee Valley Tools, 814 Proctor Ave., Ogdensburg N.Y. 13669-2204; (800) 871-8158; www.leevalley.com

    If we were asked to name the single worst problem plaguing humanity today, we would answer: “The problem of uneven campfire heating.” This is when you’re sitting by a campfire, and the side of you facing the campfire is warm and toasty, but the side of you not facing the campfire is — not unlike the side of the Moon away from the sun — covered with craters. Well you can say goodbye to this problem forever, thanks to the BakGlo brand campfire-heat-evening-out device, which uses the scientific principle of reflection. The way it works is, when heat rays leave the fire, they bounce off the BakGlo and go into your back, rather than continuing outward and striking the bear standing behind you. But don’t worry about him! He won’t hurt you! At least not until you’re fully cooked.


    INFLATE-A-POTTY, $24 plus shipping and handling from The Preparedness Center, 311 E. Perkins St., Ukiah, CA 95482, (707) 472-0280, www.preparednesscenter.com

    If you are one of the estimated 83 percent of Americans who from time to time go to the bathroom, chances are that on more than one occasion you have remarked to yourself: I need a place to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, in this modern world we often find ourselves in situations where we cannot immediately relieve ourselves, such as standing in a long stadium restroom line, riding in an elevator, delivering a State of the Union address, etc. It is for just these situations that the Inflate-a-Potty was invented. This is an actual inflatable toilet that you inflate by blowing it up. Yuck! No, seriously, this is a fabulous concept. Next time you absolutely have “got to go,” you just whip this baby out, inflate it, do your “business,” deflate the toilet, and get back to the matter at hand, starting with a brief apology to the various houses of Congress.


    SPORTY ELECTRONIC BUG-ZAPPING RACKET, $12.99 from Chateau Drug in Ketchum, Idaho; also available online through www.companion-group.com

    Here’s the ideal gift for the person on your holiday gift list who enjoys playing sports AND killing flying insects. This is a tennis-racket-shaped device that, thanks to the scientific miracle of batteries, has electricity in it, so that when you swat a flying insect, the insect is instantly electrocuted! OK, maybe not “instantly.” We tested this device extensively last summer while on vacation, and we found that, if you managed to make contact with a flying insect, the zapper tended to stun it, rather than kill it, so it wound up sort of flopping around on the floor. The bad news was, this meant that you had to then kneel down and finish the insect off with more zapping. The good news was, we were with a 7-year-old boy who really enjoyed doing this.


    BEER BELT AND DIP CLIP
    * Beer Belt: $17.99 plus shipping and handling from BeWild.com, 2357 Bedford Ave., Bellmore, N.Y. 11710, (516) 221-4700, www.bewild.com

    * Dip Clip: Available only in bulk. $2.49 each plus shipping and handling from Market Link Industries Inc., 790 Glenridge Road, Spartanburg, S.C. 29301; Fax (864) 580-5463

    When we attend a party, one of our “pet peeves” is that, when we need to replenish our beer or get more dip, we are often forced to manually walk a distance of several feet, sometimes into an entirely different room. That’s why when we saw these two items — the Beer Belt and the Dip Clip (sold separately) — our reaction was, quote: “It’s about (burp) time!” The Beer Belt, as its name would suggest, is a strip of land stretching from Milwaukee to Chicago and then east to Cleveland. No, seriously, it’s a device that you wear around your waist, enabling you to carry six beers — enough to last a typical beer drinker nearly 25 minutes in actual laboratory tests conducted by Consumer Reports.

    The Dip Clip, according to the manufacturer, was actually designed to hold tobacco snuff, which is so disgusting that we don’t want to even think about it. But we believe the Dip Clip would work perfectly for holding chip dip, pretzels, peanuts, candies, small rodents — whatever you like to keep handy at parties. Either of these items, taken alone, is an important advance in snacking technology. Together, they are guaranteed to make you, or some lucky person on your holiday list, the “center of attraction” at any gathering, not to mention the first name that comes up when people are planning a party. (”Hey, let’s invite that loser!”)


    SMITTENS, $36 plus shipping and handling from Smittens, 1817 9th Ave. W., Seattle, WA 98119, info@smittens.biz, http://www.smittens.biz

    When you’re talking about an invention you never would have thought of in a million years, you’re talking about Smittens. This is a unique joint mitten that two people stick their hands into simultaneously, so they can walk together, hand in hand, until one person needs to let go to scratch or fight off a mugger or whatever, leaving the other person wearing this weirdo mitten. Besides being romantic, Smittens are of great value in law-enforcement situations where an officer has to be handcuffed to a suspect in a cold climate. In fact, this product is the Official Cold-Weather Custody Mitten of a top federal anti-crime agency that we can identify here only by the initials “F.B.I.”


    TRAVEL HOT-DOG COOKER, $39.98 plus shipping and handling from Clever Gear, 5414 19th St. Court E., P.O. Box 25600, Bradenton, FL 34206-5600, (800) 853-7131, http://www.clevergear.com

    What happens when you’re on a road trip and you suddenly get the “munchies?” All too often, your only choice is to pull into a gas station, convenience store or fast-food joint and buy some crappy junk food. Wouldn’t it be great if you could prepare your own crappy junk food “right in your motor vehicle?” Well now you can, thanks to this innovative product, which plugs into your car’s cigarette lighter and can, in just minutes, turn cold tubes of chemically enhanced compressed meat byproducts into piping hot taste treats capable of inflicting third-degree burns if you drop one on your thighs while attempting to cook and drive, which may not be totally 100 percent legal in some areas. (”I’m sorry officer! I didn’t see the stop sign, because I was trying to retrieve this hot dog from my thighs! Care for a bite?”)


    AQUARIUM TOILET TANK, $1,200 from Elseware, 97 Wyckoff Ave., No. 4, Brooklyn, N.Y. 11237, (917) 805-2588, www.elseware.to

    Every single one of us has spent literally years agonizing over the question of how to make our commode tanks more visually appealing. At last we have an answer, thanks to modern technology and space-age plastics. Also, we suspect drugs were involved. This is a working aquarium that also functions as a toilet tank. While you’re “doing your business,” you can enjoy actual, living fish darting around in a playful manner, until of course you flush, at which point they are sucked, screaming tiny underwater Nemo screams, down the Hole of Death. No, seriously, the fish are not flushed down, as far as we can tell. They continue to swim around in there, in plain view, watching you as you use the commode. Even when your back is turned you can feel their eyes on you… watching… watching. Try not to think about it.


    PICKUP HOOPS TRUCK-MOUNTED BASKETBALL BACKBOARD, $975 per unit, or patent rights for $10 million, from Pickup Hoops, P.O. Box 251322 West Bloomfield, MI 48325, www.pickup-hoops.net

    Here’s the perfect stress reliever for the commuter. It’s a folding basketball pole and backboard that can be mounted in the bed of a pickup truck. So if you get stuck in traffic, you can set this thing up right there on the highway and shoot some hoops, thus turning wasted time into a fun and healthy workout, at least until traffic starts moving again and the motorists behind you deliberately run you over. We think this item could also be used in a potentially huge new sport called Extreme Basketball. Players would stand in the backs of pickup trucks racing at high speed toward each other, jousting style, and each team would try to shoot the ball through the opposing team’s basket. Of course there would be the risk of a horrible catastrophe. That’s why this sport would be huge.


    POTTY PONCHO, $24 plus shipping and handling from Potty Training Solutions, 2682 South Highland Dr. No. 104, Salt Lake City, UT 84106, (866) 34POTTY, www.pottytrainingsolutions.com

    Most of us are horrified by the thought of having ourselves, or our children’s selves, make direct buttular contact with a public toilet seat. That is why we’re so excited by the concept of the Potty Poncho, which is a washable, reusable sanitary protective plastic barrier. It was originally designed for smallish children whose feet don’t reach the floor, and thus tend to grip the toilet seat (YUCK!!!) so they won’t fall off. But this product will work for anybody. You carry it in your purse or pocket, and when you need to use the bathroom, you just place the Potty Poncho over the toilet seat. When you’re done, you simply fold up the Potty Poncho and put it back into your purse or pocket, along with an estimated 473,000,000,000,000,000 toilet-seat bacteria. Try not to think about it.


    HEADSTONE CLEANER, $10 plus shipping and handling from Make Life Easier, 19465 Brennan Ave., Perris, CA 92599, (800) 522-0227

    This is a specially formulated headstone-cleaner in a handy spray bottle. According to the manufacturer, in just 60 seconds this product “deep cleans and renews luster as it quickly and easily lifts dirt, moss, mold and grime.” Not only that, but this incredible product “leaves behind a protective Teflon finish.” Isn’t that wonderful? No more scrubbing with old-fashioned headstone cleaners! AND a Teflon finish! A person could eat off a headstone cleaned by this amazing product! We were going to make a little joke here about a lifetime guarantee, but we frankly feel that would be in poor taste.


    STORM DEFENDER CAPE FOR DOGS AND MEAT-FLAVORED WATER
    * Storm Defender Cape: $55-65 from Storm Defender, PO Box 18598, Fairfield, OH 45098-0598; www.stormdefender.com

    * Meat-Flavored Water: $5.97 plus shipping and handling from Nutri-vet Nutritionals, Boise, ID; www.BestPetHealth.com

    Today you can buy every kind of merchandise and service for your dog — dog spas, dog massages, dog apparel, gourmet dog food — all the things that make it possible for a dog owner to say to a dog: “I have absolutely no sense of perspective.” In that spirit, this year we present two fine gifts for the special dog on your holiday list. One is the Storm Defender cape, which, according to the manufacturer, “gives relief to dogs who are excessively afraid of thunderstorms.” This cape is for indoor use only. You put it on (on the dog, we mean) “when the dog first begins to get agitated due to an oncoming electrical thunderstorm…. The cape reduces the dog’s sensitivity to the static charge that precedes and accompanies a thunderstorm.” We don’t know whether this cape works or not. But we DO know that it makes the dog look phenomenally stupid. And that is enough for us. Our other recommended canine gift this year is a highly scientific nutritional water specifically formulated for dogs. It comes not only in bacon flavor, but also chicken and beef. These flavors entice the dog to drink the water, which contains, according to the manufacturer, “a proprietary blend of vitamins, antioxidants and electrolytes.” Of course if they REALLY wanted the dog to drink this water, they would give it the flavoring that dogs love most of all: toilet.


    TALKING GOLLUM DOLL, $22.98 plus shipping and handling from Things You Never Knew Existed, 4514 19th St. Court E., Bradenton, FL 34203-3799, (800) 843-0762, www.johnsonsmith.com

    Here’s a very thoughtful gift for the impressionable youngster on your holiday gift list. It’s a highly realistic talking plush doll depicting Gollum, the fun, heartwarmingly lovable character from the “Lord of the Rings” movies. When you squeeze him, Gollum hisses one of four phrases from the soundtrack. Picture this: It’s night, and the child is in his or her bed. The room is dark. The child is having trouble sleeping; perhaps he or she is worried that there’s a monster under the bed. Finally the child dozes off, and rolls over onto Gollum, who hisses “My precious,” causing the child to wake up, face to face with Gollum, thus forming a memory that will be seared into the child’s brain for a lifetime of therapy.

    Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132.

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