I HATE GATORS, yes I do.
I HATE GATORS, how about you?
To get our Gator hating in top form for the trip – we offer these anecdotes from Gatorland. Enjoy – and feel free to use these if you too are a Gator Hater.
Note from author: As you know, there is a team up North that I dislike more than any other in the world. I thought I would share some jokes about this team. Enjoy
How do you keep a Gator out of your front yard?
Put a goal post up!How many Gators does it take to change a flat tire?
Just one…unless it’s a blowout, then they all show up!
What do you get when you cross a Gator with a groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad football.
If you have a car containing a Gator wide receiver, a Gator linebacker, and a Gator defensive back, who is driving the car?
The cop.
What’s the difference between a Gator and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.
What’s the best thing to come out of Gainesville?
I-75
Why did the Gator grad get fired from the M&M factory?
He was throwing away too many W’s.
How many Gators does it take to tackle Ken Dorsey?
Good question, no one knows.
What did the UF graduate say to the UM graduate?
“You want fries with that?”
Why is UF changing their mascot to the possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you sell out a UF home game?
Invite the Miami Hurricanes!
What should you do if you find three Gators buried up to their necks in cement?
Get more cement!
Good uses for a UF diploma:
- Toilet paper
- Proof of need for handicapped parking sticker
- Crying towel
- Proof of need for welfare
How many Gators does it take to tackle a UM running back?
I don’t know, but it’s more than eleven!
What do you call an UF grad wearing a suit and tie?
The defendant!
What does the average UF student get on their SAT’s?
Drool.
Why did Forrest Gump choose ‘Bama over UF?
He wanted an academic challenge!
A Miami grad, A Harvard grad, and a Florida grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The Miami grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, “Earthquake!” The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the Miami grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Harvard grad is next, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, “Flood!” The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Harvard grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The Florida grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers what the Miami and Harvard grads had done, so he yells, “Fire!”
What do a Miami student and a UF student have in common?
They were both accepted to UF.
A guy is in a bar with his dog, watching the UM vs. UF game. The Gators surprisingly manage to get a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe. After a while the Gators score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar. Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, “Man, that’s amazing. What does your dog do if UF beats Miami?” The guy replied, “I dunno, I’ve only had him 17 years.”
What do tornadoes and UF grads have in common?
They both always end up in trailer parks!
A man walks into a store and says, “I would like a orange hat, blue pants, green sweater, and white shoes.” The clerk says, “Are you a Gator fan?” “Yes,” replies the man, “How did you guess-by the color combination?” “No,” answers the clerk, “because this is a hardware store.”
There was a couple who were getting divorced, so the judge said to the child, “Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with your Dad?” “No,” said the child, “he beats me.” “Do you want to live with your Mom?” “No, she beats me too.” “Well who do you want to live with?” “I want to live with a Gator Fan.” Confused, the judge asked, “Why?” The child replied, “Because they never beat anybody that’s good!”
One day in a bus station, one man approached another and said, “I bet your from the University of Florida.” “Why yes I am” answered the other. “How could you tell, was it my good looks, my debonair charm, my taste in clothing?” “No,” replied the first, “I saw your class ring as you were picking your nose.”
Did you hear about the big power outage at the UF student union?
Forty Gators were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
What is the difference between a Gator fan’s car and a Porcupine?
The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
There’s a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Coral Gables, and a UM student driving from Coral Gables to Gainesville. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!”
Likewise, the Cane scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!” The Gator walks over to the Cane student and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.” The Canes Student thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m going to see what else survived this wreck.” So the UM Student pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Gator, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship.” The Gator says, “You’re right!”, and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the UM Student and says, “Your turn!” The UM Student twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
Why do UF grads hang their diplomas in the rear windows of their cars?
So they can park in “handicapped” spaces.
How do you get a UF graduate off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza!!!!
A guy walks into a bar and says, “Hey barkeep- did you ever hear the one about the Florida Gators?” Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, “We play football at UF- you sure you wanna tell that joke?” The guy replies, “What? and have to explain it four times?”
What is the difference between a Gator and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?
On the UF campus, because that’s the last place you’ll find a football player.
What’s the difference between a Gator and a dollar bill?
You only get three quarters out of a Gator.
Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Florida school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the FSU grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, “This is for FSU! Go Noles!” as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be outdone, the UCF grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, “This is for Central Florida! Let’s Go Knights!” Seeing this, the UM grad walked over and shouted, “This is for everyone!” and pushed the Gator off the side of the mountain.
Just when you thought there could be no more jokes about UF…
Top 10 Classes at UF:
- Philosophy: Why Don’t They Spell It with an “F” ?
- Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
- Sandwich Making: A Project Course
- Hand-Shadow Workshop
- Subtraction: Addition’s Tricky Friend
- Cliff’s Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
- Hooked on Phonics
- The College Classroom: A Simulation
- ABC’s: An Extended Version
- Literature: Coloring inside the lines
They’ve hired a new waitress at the coffee shop on north Monroe. She’s a robot. A man walked in and she greeted him at the door. Dinner for one? Yes he replied. She said, tell me sir, what is your IQ? 150 he said. So they talked for a few minutes about global current events. She said excuse me for a minute as another man came in. Dinner for one? Yes the man replied. Tell me she said, what is your IQ? The man said 120. So they sat for a few minutes talking about the possibility of a comet striking the earth and other natural disasters. Another man came in the restaurant and she greeting him at the door. Dinner for one she asks? Yes, replied the man. If you don’t mind sir, would you tell me your IQ? 50 the man said. To which the robot replied, GO Gators!
What are the toughest 6 years in a Gator’s life?
3rd grade.
What do you call a Gator with half a brain?
“Gifted”
What job do they assign Gators at the M&M factory?
Proofreading.
How many UF freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, it is a sophomore course.
Why don’t Gators use 911 in an emergency?
They can’t find 11 on the dial.
Did you hear about the Gators found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?
They went to see “Closed for Winter”.
What do you call 12 Gators in a basement?
A “Whine” Cellar
Three students went to the Olympics in Atlanta. One was a Cane, one was a Duke student and one was a Gator. They had almost no money to start with so by the time they got to Atlanta they had no money for tickets to the events. The Cane put a pair of track shoes around his neck, went up to the track venue and said “Smith, University of Miami, track.” So the security guard let him in. The Duke student got the message. He put a pair of sneakers around his neck, went up to the basketball venue and said “Johnson, Duke basketball.” The security guard let him in. The gator thought he had it. He saw a roll of barb wire by the side of the road, picked it up and threw it over his shoulder. He went up to the nearest venue and said “Miller, University of Florida, fencing.”
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Florida Gator. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Gators too. No one really knowing what a Florida Gator is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Gator.” Then, asks the teacher, what are you? “Why, I’m a proud Miami Hurricane,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Hurricane. “Well, my mom and dad are Hurricanes, so I’m a Hurricane too.” The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?” After a pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be a Gator.”
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